laughing alone in the dark

check out where i've been.

2009-07-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for stopping by. Sorry I haven't written anything in so long, but have a look at the business I started almost a year ago: SPILLED MILK PHOTOGRAPHY. It's a roaring success and I'm loving every minute of it!

Much love,

happy belated blogiversary to me.

2009-01-15T12:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

I started writing you just over a year ago and I became instantly obsessed. I visited you every day. I thought about you constantly. It was not always the most healthy relationship, but through you I met many incredible people from all over the world. I wrote some funny stuff. I wrote some not-so-funny stuff. I even had a little bit of a fan following because of you. Does 3 people count as a fan following?

And then, mostly through you, I discovered my new passion... photography. Without you I wouldn't have met other amazing photographers who inspired me to improve. I wouldn't have started carrying my camera everywhere so I could participate in Photostory Friday and PhotoHunt. I carried my camera everywhere so that you, my dear blog, would be colourful and interesting and fun.

And because I carried my camera everywhere, friends started to notice and wanted me to take pictures for them. One even suggested I get paid to do what I love.

So the photography took over and I started a business. And you, my original firstborn blog, took a back seat to my new adventure. And now I don't have time for you at all.

I miss you. I love writing. I love spending time crafting words and sentences. I miss archiving everything that goes on in my life through you. I never kept a diary until you, my dear blog, but because of you, I realize that I should have all along because I love expressing myself and my feelings with words.

So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've abandoned you for the more urgent need to express myself creatively through photography, while at the same time earning some much needed money.

But thank you. Because without you I wouldn't have known how to create my photography blog for potential clients to see my work. And without that new blog I wouldn't been fully booked until the end of April. Without you I wouldn't be doing something I love and enjoying it so much.

So although I miss you and all my blogging friends very much, I'm happy in my real life which is what I was seeking when I started writing you in the first place.

Please forgive me for not visiting more often, but remember, it's me, not you.

With that said, I am officially putting you into hibernation so I can stop feeling guilty every time I think of something I want to write about and don't. I'll be back when my business slows down or when Csilla goes to school full time. Whichever comes first.

In the meantime, try not to be to jealous of your younger sibling where I still post quite often.

Thanks for everything you've brought to my life in the past year. I wouldn't be where I am right now without you.

Love,

Carolyn

ps - I read a great post a long time ago about how to make your dreams come true. (Visit the post here... thanks for writing it Fracas!) I think about this post all the time and have been meaning to write about it ever since I read it. Every word is true. If you simply get busy being yourself and doing what you love to do, the universe will conspire to make your dreams come true. I had to add this because I didn't want to put you, my dear blog, into hibernation without at least linking to a post I thought was so terrific.

Ciao for now.

ho ho ho!

2008-12-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't been around this blog much, but I've suddenly developed a very busy - yet very happy - life as a working photographer. I'm thrilled to meet new families each week and capture many fun memories with my photography. The downside to this joy is my massive lack of free time and the (temporary) demise of this blog.

To those of you out there who have kept in touch, thank you. It means the world to me. And know this... that the many friends I have met this year through my blog (yes you) were extremely pivotal in helping me to reinvent a life for myself which looks much more like the one I had always hoped for. I know it must seem almost ungrateful to desert the ones (you) who helped me create this new life for myself and for that I'm terribly sorry and I miss you all.

But thank you thank you for all the friendships I have made this year through my blog. It's been an incredible gift.

I do expect things to slow for me in the next little while, so hopefully regular blogging will resume. In the meantime, check out what's been keeping me busy over at my photography blog... and please, drop a comment and say hi!

i'm still here.

2008-10-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting because I'm sure you're all sick of reading my lame excuses for not blogging almost as much as I have grown tired of writing them.

Let's just say I've been busy. As you know, I'm trying to start a photography business and I didn't realize how hard that is to do with about 1 hour of child-free, housework-free, cooking-free, cleaning-free time per day. And Csilla isn't exactly cooperating with Mama having a job either. She doesn't like it and spends all our days together trying to divert my attention away from the computer and the work I am trying to finish. I suppose I can't blame her. She's had my undivided attention for almost four years now and isn't too interested in change.

Oh, and we've all had rotten colds too.

Gosh.This is sounding a heck of a lot like another lame excuse.

But hey! All is not lost. Check out more of my photography work by clicking on the bright pink and orange banner on my sidebar. Or click on this: Spilled Milk Photography. I've posted 2 or 3 new shoots recently.

Yippee and thanks for checking in.

ps - I am still reading your blogs but I'm saving time by not commenting. Hope you understand. xo c

don't vote. it's not like anything important is riding on it.

2008-10-02T13:14:00.001-07:00

I'm still working on client photos - no time for blogging - but this is important so I thought I'd bust a quick post.

(And it doesn't hurt that I love Leonardo. I could watch this over and over and over and over... enjoy!)

And vote. Yes you.

(And if you're Canadian like me, you don't need to register. Visit my friend Buzz for more information and links about voting in Canada.)

And if you're not going to vote, why not?

Don't know who to vote for?

Get off your lazy butt, stop watching TV or surfing YouTube or blogging incessantly and do the research. Figure out who you want to vote for and then get to it people.

You need to vote!!

purple perfection.

2008-09-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

I just read a post over at David's about a beautiful purple "mystery" flower that all of his smart readers (including me tee hee) instantly recognized as Clematis.

How did I know?

Well, because I've been taking photos of them all summer in my mom's garden. Clematis are by far one of my favourite flowers. They grow on lovely long winding vines that climb all over the rock walls and fences in our yard. Aren't they gorgeous? (Click to enlarge.)

Although the Clematis are indeed stunning, my all time favourite flower is actually an Orchid. Why? Because it reminds me of Hawaii and well, because they are just so gosh-darn beautiful!

So tell me, what is your favourite flower and why? Or better yet... show me!

(PS - I thought I'd whip up this five minute post for David because I really don't have time to be blogging right now. I'm trying to get all my photos edited for clients by the end of this week and then I'll have time to start sharing my Hungary photos with you. Can't wait to show you all of the beauty to be found there.)

let me eat cake.

2008-09-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

This is what I ate for breakfast today:

Any guesses what day it is?

Here. I'll give you a couple of hints:

Yep. It's my birthday today. And I ate cupcakes for breakfast.

And after I finished my cupcakes I had some more cake. This time, my mom's incredibly delicious Sour Cream Coffee Cake (recipe posted below):

With a glass of milk, just to keep it healthy.

Cake (followed by cake) for breakfast. Talk about a good day!

(Click to enlarge the photos, eh!)

sour cream coffee cake recipe.

2008-09-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

The Sour Cream Coffee Cake that my mom made for my birthday this morning is one of my all-time favourite things, so I thought I'd share the recipe with you all - especially you, Jen, because you LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee cake. LOVE IT! Well, so do I so here it is:

SOUR CREAM COFFEE CAKE

INGREDIENTS

Cake:
1 cup sour cream
1 tsp baking soda
½ cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1¾ cups sifted flour
2 tsp baking powder

Topping:
¼ cup brown sugar
1 tbsp cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350oF. Grease and line with wax paper an 8x8 inch cake tin. In a mixer, cream butter, sugar and eggs together until light and fluffy. In another bowl, combine baking soda and sour cream. Whip until fluffy. In a third bowl, mix sifted dry ingredients together.

Add sifted dry ingredients alternately with the sour cream mixture to the butter/sugar/egg mixture and blend until smooth. Spread half of the batter in the cake tin. Sprinkle with half topping, cover with remaining batter, then sprinkle with remaining half of the topping.

Bake 45-50 minutes. Don't over do it, or the cake will dry out!

SERVINGS

Makes 9 large squares.

(Ironically I like to eat my coffee cake with milk, not coffee.)

tricking.

2008-09-24T10:49:00.002-07:00

I just read a fun post by Irene over at Our Little Piece of the World which talked about sneaky methods for getting your kids to do what you want. The post really tickled my funny bone because I do the same things with Csilla all the time. She is already a very competitive kid (I wonder where she gets that from?) and I exploit it mercilessly. If I ask her to brush her teeth it's a no-go, but if I tell her that I'm going to brush my teeth faster than her... well then Csilla is all over a toothbrush before I can say rubber-baby-buggy-bumper.

The same goes with food. As I've mentioned before, Csilla is an extremely picky eater. I have a terribly hard time getting food into her that is more exciting than a plain spaghetti noodle with no sauce. You may even recall that I sneak vegetables into her meals?? Occasionally I'll convince Csilla to try something new by suggesting that she can't do it - that she is physically unable to eat a piece of broccoli. Csilla will almost always rise to the challenge, even if she spits it out two seconds later.

Which leads me to the reason for this post...

I told Irene that while I was reading her post Sneaky Methods I was reminded of a wonderful poem by the amazing Canadian author Dennis Lee. If you're Canadian, you probably don't remember a childhood without Alligator Pie or Garbage Delight. Certainly I don't. Dennis Lee's childish poems are silly and irreverent and quintessentially Canadian with many references to Canadian locales and Canadian past times (specifically hockey, eh!) If you've never read one of Dennis Lee's books to your kids, I couldn't recommend it more highly. Csilla is just getting to the age where she can really appreciate Dennis Lee's ridiculous rhymes and the wonderful illustrations by Frank Newfeld (in my 35-year old copies of Alligator Pie and Garbage Delight). The books are delightful, whimsical and perfect. They recently released an anniversary edition of Alligator Pie with the original illustrations, but unfortunately the new editions of Garbage Delight feature illustrations by a different artist. Grrrr. I'm currently tracking down a used copy of Garbage Delight so that when my brother has a child we won't be fighting over who gets to keep our jointly-owned-Frank-Newfeld-illustrated copy at their house.

(Which, interestingly enough, is also signed by the author because when I was about three or four Dennis Lee came to our local library for a reading. It's one of my earliest memories!)

Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to share with you one of my all-time favourite childhood poems called Tricking, by Dennis Lee:

Tricking

When they bring me a plate
Full of stuff that I hate,
Like spinach and turnips and guck,
I sit very straight
And I look at the plate
And I quietly say to it: “YUCK!”

Little kids bawl
Cause I used to be small,
And I threw it all over the tray.
But now I am three
And I’m much from like me –
I yuck till they take it away.

But sometimes my dad
Gets terriffickly mad,
And he says, “Don’t you drink from that cup!”
But he can’t say it right
Cause he’s not very bright –
So I trick him and drink it all up!

Then he gets up and roars;
He stomps on the floor
And he hollers, “I warn you, don’t eat!”
He counts up to ten
And I trick him again:
I practically finish the meat.

Then I start on the guck
And my daddy goes “Yuck!”
And he scrunches his eyes till they hurt,
So I shovel it in
And he grins a big grin.
And then we have dessert.

Note - I've posted this poem with no permission from the publisher but I'm going to assume it's okay because I'm encouraging the purchase of the books, right?? Buy them here and here.

Also - For some reason I remember how, as a child, I always loved that they italicised part of terriffically just to emphasise the word. Funny the things you remember from your childhood, eh?

So, tell me... are you familiar with Alligator Pie and Garbage Delight? And if so, which were your favourite poems? Aside from Tricking, I also loved On Tuesdays I Polish My Uncle and of course, Alligator Pie.

(BTW - be sure to check out Irene's blog because she's an amazing photographer too! Double bonus.)

super random post about barf and hungary. although those two things are not related.

2008-09-21T01:51:00.000-07:00

Warning - discussion of stomach bugs and related bodily functions ahead...

It's 2am and Csilla is sick in bed with a bad head cold and some coughing, so instead of tossing and turning in bed while I worry about her, I'm still awake and blogging while listening to her on the monitor. Oh. And I have a cold too. Imagine how clearly my brain is functioning right now. Not.

Rambling rambles shall now commence.

We're home from Hungary and I'm trying to get back to editing photos for patiently waiting clients and back to blogging, but of course, I've caught a big cold and Csilla spent the afternoon barfing yesterday. Hip hip hooray.

Silver lining? Csilla's old enough now to anticipate the barf so she actually told me when it was going to happen and every last drop made it into a bowl. Yay. No barf-smelling hair.

Happy-to-be-a-Mama-Moment? Even though I was hating every minute of the barfing I was loving Csilla even more because of her need for me. I'm IT. I'm THE ONE. When the barfing begins and she's at her most miserable, I'm the one she needs to comfort her. It's such a strange juxtaposition - the barfing and the love I feel for her when she wants me thisclose and insists I hold her the whole time. Urp and Sigh. All at the same time.

Did you know Csilla talks in her sleep? It's so strange and cute and funny. Sometimes she's very coherent when she talks. I almost wonder if she's awake, but then it turns into garbledi-goop again and I know she's actually still asleep. Just now she very clearly said, "I think it's time to go to bed." Silly kid. Doesn't she know she's already in bed?

My favourite is when Csilla laughs in her sleep. Yes laughs. She does this quite often. Sometimes it's a big, huge, genuine belly laugh. Out loud. Talk about laughing alone in the dark, eh? I don't know how she doesn't wake herself up. It's so funny.

When we were at the cottage in Hungary, I was sleeping on a pull-out bed right outside her door and she laughed so loud one night that she woke me up out of a deep sleep.

Crazy kid I have.

Today her nose is all stuffy and as she was falling asleep for a nap I was listening on the monitor to make sure she was okay when I heard her say, "Hmm. That's funny. My smell doesn't work anymore." And then she fell asleep. Or maybe she was already asleep.

Crazy kid I have.

Sorry for the random post... just typing whatever pops into my head.

Speaking of Hungary, we had a nice time and I survived the trip. I actually didn't even need my anxiety pills on the way home. Thank goodness. It all went pretty smoothly. Csilla was a dream. She's awesome. Sometimes.

The trip itself was nice. Just nice. Not amazing. If truth be told, a trip to Hungary would not be my first choice for vacations. I love Balazs' family and Hungary is beautiful, but it's a huge amount of money and such a long way to go to just hang out at the cottage. Not to mention I've been there several times before and we have some beautiful lakes right here in British Columbia with cottages on them and everything. And they would be a hell of a lot cheaper and easier to get to. I'm just sayin'.

More complaining...

Balazs and I had terrible allergies for most of the trip and Csilla was incredibly homesick and upset for the first half of the vacation. I felt horrible for her. She never really adjusted. She's a homebody and didn't enjoy being away from her bed and her toys and her space and all the predictable things that she loves here at home. Among other things, she really missed Pici Nyuszi whom I refused to bring at the risk of losing her again. Remember that? Csilla also especially missed my mom. One night she cried and cried and cried for her Nana and I felt just awful. At that moment I desperately wanted a Star-Trek-transporter-machine-thingy so I could zap us all back home where Nana could tuck Csilla into bed and make her feel better.

Silver lining - Balazs' parents had an amazing time seeing Csilla and getting to know her a little better. As my mom put it, "more hearts permanently stolen". So true. It wasn't until the second week of the trip that Csilla was comfortable enough to go to the park alone with Balazs' parents while he and I stayed behind at the cottage. It turned out to be my favourite day of the whole vacation. Balazs and I lounged and sunbathed and played cards and ate yummy food while Csilla had fun with her grandparents. I even gave myself a pedicure. Hooray!

And when Csilla and B's parents got back, his dad said with tears in his eyes that it was one of the best days of his life.

Talk about a silver lining.

And now for some highlights and lowlights from our Hungarian vacation:

Highlights

1. The Food. Ohhhh the food. I love Hungarian food. Meat? Good. Potatoes? Good. Sour cream? Good. Balazs' mom is an amazing cook and everything she makes tastes absolutely delicious. I ate 8-10 times a day and loved every paprika sprinkled bit of it.

2. The Down-time. No computers, no television, no work and a 5:1 adult to Csilla ratio was amazing (notwithstanding all the homesickness-related tantrums). Many hands of cards were played and some actual sunbathing was enjoyed.

3. The Family. Balazs parents are wonderful people and when Csilla finally warmed up to them (around week two of three), she had a wonderful time getting to know them better. Balazs' mom used to work for the municipal government in their district and was in charge of the EU playground upgrades for the area which meant that she knew exactly where all the newest and best playgrounds were. B's mom and dad took Csilla to a different playground every morning and every afternoon for a week and she loved every minute of it.

4. The Weather. Incredible for the whole trip. Sunshine and blue skies and warm temperatures every single day. Couldn't have asked for anything more.

5. The PhotoWalk. Near the end of the trip I was granted a full afternoon to myself (free of any Csilla-related duties) where I got to walk around the amazing city of Budapest for five hours on a lovely day with only me and my camera for company. Now only if I had time to even download the photos so I could show you!

There are more highlights, but I'm getting really tired and the lowlights are more amusing so I'm moving on...

Lowlights

1. The towels. What the hell. Aren't towels supposed to absorb water? That's like, their only job, and yet, amazingly, so many of the towels I encountered in Hungary failed to absorb any water at all. Come on towels. Stop pushing the moisture around and dry me off already.

2. The Homesick Kid. As mentioned above, Csilla was terribly homesick, which translated into awful, cranky and horrible behaviour for about 60% of the trip. There was more crying and screaming and stomping from Csilla in two weeks than I normally get from her in a year. The whole thing was stressful and upsetting. But... I will say I'm proud of Balazs and I for finding compassion and patience with Csilla on the occasion of each and every outburst. Csilla has banked a lot of good favour with us so we payed her back in kind. Every tantrum was met with hugs and kisses instead of exasperation and frustration. Yay us.

(I'm laughing at how the rotten towels rated higher on my list than Csilla's rotten behaviour. Clearly, absorbent towels are very important to me.)

3. The Bathing Suit. I wasn't expecting the weather to be so darn amazing while we were there and I forgot to bring my bathing suit. I spent most of the two weeks at the cottage prancing around in a cheap, ugly communist bathing suit that didn't fit me properly and only served to remind me how pathetic my boobs are after more than three years of breastfeeding.

4. Car Alarms. Why does everyone in Budapest have a car alarm and yet nobody reacts to it when it goes off? Isn't the whole point of a car alarm to alert the owner of the car that there is a problem? Ergo, when the alarm goes off the owner would attend to the car instead of letting it wail on and on and on and on and on and on while I'm trying to sleep damn it?!

5. Allergies. I'm allergic to grass. There was a lot of it at the cottage. It sucked.

6. Hungarian Keyboards. The crazy Hungarians think it's okay to put the Z where the Y belongs and the question mark and other necessary punctuation marks in the strangest places on the keyboard (some involving the need for simultaneous Ctrl and Alt ky pressing WTF), thereby rendering aforementioned keys almost useless to a person like me who types without looking at the keyboard. I found it far too frustrating to use the keyboard while there and fell seriously behind on all my grand hopes for all sorts of dazzling blog posts while we were away. I spent most of my downtime in Budapest on the computer surfing Flickr. No typing required.

Holy crap I'm tired. Even though Csilla is having an incredibly restless sleep, I think I'll go to bed now.

Oh wait. More sleep talking from the Little Miss. What the hell is she saying? My kid is so weird.

Good night.

number nine. the big tease is over.

2008-09-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Okay. So according to the sprinkling of comments I received on my last post it turns out that some of you remember me. What a relief. I thought I was going to have to start at square one again with this blog...

Thanks. I've missed you all!

Remember a while ago (before I went to Hungary) I mentioned something that was keeping me very busy? I eluded to it here and teased you about it again here?

Well, I'm thinking my "big number nine announcement" would make for the perfect Photostory Friday post.

So here goes.

I decided to start my own photography business.

Yes.

Crazy I know, because what I know about photography I could fit in a thimble. And crazy I know because I'm not the first best (or even the second best) photographer in my immediate family. And crazy I know because I only got my first DSLR less than a year ago and before that I didn't know much about photography at all. I know, I know.

Crazy I know.

But since I love photography as much as I do and friends keep telling me I should have people to pay me to do what I love (as much as I do) then I got to thinking, "What's the worst that can happen?"

Well, let's see...

I could forget to bring a spare battery and stand in front of my client like an idiot, totally unable to take a single photo. Or, I could get so confused by all of the technical aspects of photography that I completely forget how to relax and enjoy the process. Or, I could get so nervous that my clients see right though all of my inexperience and refuse to pay me...

In other words, I could fail miserably; screwing up people's precious and irretrievable memories.

Urp.

I know, I know. These things could happen, but luckily, none of these things have happened so far. Congratulations to me! (Did I have you worried that those things had actually happened?)

I've already been on several shoots with friends (some of whom have actually paid me!) and all of them worked out beautifully. In fact, I'm really proud of my work so far and I'm ready to share it with all of you.

So without further ado... click the banner below to see why I've been too busy to blog lately (notwithstanding a three-week trip to Hungary, about which I will hopefully post this weekend).

Oh. And as far as Photostory Friday goes... you will find actual photos here:

Hope you like what you see!

is anybody out there?

2008-09-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm home from Hungary but it's been so long since I've posted that I'm wondering if anybody remembers me? Hopefully I'll get the chance to catch up with life this weekend. Peace out.

me = sorry.

2008-08-27T01:47:00.000-07:00

Painfully slow* dial-up connection at cottage + crazy Hungarian keyboard = no posting until we return to Budapest. Sorry.

Having fun. All is well. Miss you. Wish you were here.

* By painfully slow I mean time to do half a crossword puzzle while I wait for a single page to load.

number nine.

2008-08-08T09:57:00.001-07:00

I mentioned in my last post that I might post today about something super-exciting-awesome I've been doing lately that has been taking up all my time. Unfortunately, I don't have time to tell you all about it. I just got up and I'm already running behind for the day so it's just going to have to stay a mystery. Looking at my schedule, I might not have time to blog again until next Friday. Or maybe not even until we get to Hungary. Sorry! Miss you all. Mwah mwah mwah.

eleven good (and not-so-good) reasons why I haven't been blogging lately.

2008-08-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

1. I borrowed my brother's macro lens. 'Nuff said.

2. ~~I really don't miss any of you other bloggers or your blogs all that much.~~ Complete lie. I miss all of you and your blogs like crazy. ~~I lie awake in my bed at night thinking about you and all the great posts I'm missing.~~ (I actually lie awake in bed thinking about Leonardo diCaprio but that's beside the point. I love you Leo.) And because I miss you all like crazy, I've been spending all my free time building a contraption to add more hours into the day. The whole project is top secret, but I will tell you that it involves marbles, playdoh and pipe cleaners. Oh. And washable markers figure in heavily too. But that's all I can say. Shhhhhhhhhh.

3. I got that prescription I asked you all about a while ago and apparently you're only supposed to take anti-anxiety medication when you actually feel anxious and not when you feel happy, sad, tired, reinvigorated, overwhelmed, silly, frustrated, goofy, apathetic, blessed, inspired or content (which are all of the things I have felt since I got the prescription last week). Because of this, I haven't been blogging. Instead, I've been lounging around eating bon-bons in an anti-anxiety medication stupor. Kidding. I kid. I'm a kidder. I got the prescription, but I haven't taken the pills for a test drive yet. In case you were wondering. (Hi Jen!)

4. Csilla went to the dentist today to have a cavity fixed. They sedated her and gave her laughing gas. I practically had a panic attack about the whole thing. (Here's where the anti-anxiety medication would have come in handy, but I was afraid to take the meds and drive a car so I played it safe and walked around feeling like I was going to barf and pass out instead.) Of course, Csilla was awesome at the dentist and completely fine. She handled the whole thing like a trooper. She even took a daytime nap today for the first time in more than ten months. Which also means it's almost midnight and she is still not asleep. Which also means I really don't have time to blog, but I'm busting out this post anyway. Question to self - is two hours of peace in the afternoon worth three extra hours of rambunctious play in the evening? *

5. Speaking of dentists, I haven't been blogging lately because I didn't think you all wanted to hear an enormous rant about how I was robbed at the dentist two weeks ago. Robbed. Yes, you read that right. Robbed. Apparently pediatric dentists think their time is worth $1,140 an hour. Yes, you read that right too. $1,140 an hour. Unless my arithmetic skills are seriously flawed, I paid $95 for a five minute consultation about Csilla's impending dental treatment last week. Ninety five dollars. For five minutes. Which according to my calculations works out to be about $1,140 an hour. And after I got f**ked at the drive-thru (old joke), they handed me the estimate for Csilla's actual treatment: one cavity drilled and filled plus seven dental seals, all while under sedation. Can you guess how much the estimate was for? Come on. Guess. Higher. Nope. Still higher. Getting warmer. Yup. Six hundred and fifty dollars. $650? Are you kidding me??? For a filling and some seals? Is that what pediatric dentists think they're worth these days? No offence if you're a pediatric dentist or you're married to one or one of your best friends is a pediatric dentist but, what? $650? You've got to be shitting me. That's almost a new lens for Mama. Whhhaaaaaaa! Can you tell I'm over it? I was seriously too angry to post about this when the whole thing went down. And after doing some phoning around and getting some second and third opinions, apparently that's what dental treatments for three-and-a-half-year-olds cost these days. Rantity rantity rant. And that's one of the not-so-good reasons why I haven't been blogging lately.

6. ~~I got mauled by a bear while gardening.~~ I've been gardening. I did not get mauled by a bear. In case you were wondering. (Hi Ped!) Actually, I have not been gardening. I've been taking photos of the garden. Does that count? But a bear did traipse through our yard the other day and sat on our fence, completely knocking in down in the process. Of course, it was the one time I wasn't out taking photos of the garden so I missed the whole thing. Grrrrrr. Bears have no sense of timing. Damn you bear!

7. Even though the weather has been gorgeous, I haven't been at the beach. And I haven't left for Hungary yet either. In case you were wondering. (Hi Suzanne!) In fact, I've been busy doing something else (see #9), which has (partly) had me trapped inside at the computer for hours on end. And when I wasn't working on the computer, I took a break and cleaned every square inch of our house. With Csilla two feet behind me. And talking non-stop for the entire time. Oh the joy.

8. I've been watching movies in the evening instead of sitting at the computer for the millionth hour of the day. Some of the movies were good. Some of the movies were not-so-good. And some of the movies were really long and really good (that's what she said). Hi Matt! I love you. Even if you have a girl's middle name.

9. I've been doing something super-exciting-awesome that I love which has been taking up absolutely all of my free time (and then some), but I'm really happy and excited about it because it's super-exciting-awesome and it's going really well. I might post about it tomorrow. If I have time. But I might not because I have to go do this thing I've been doing that's super-exciting-awesome at 3 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. I did it last Monday and last Saturday and three times last week too. Did I mention it's super-exciting-awesome and it's going really well? But the super-exciting-awesome thing I've been doing has forced me to burn the candle at both ends and therefore something had to give so that's why I haven't been blogging.

10. I've been making silly lists.

11. I've been sleeping. Good night.

* I've just realized that #4 isn't really a good reason why I haven't been blogging lately. It's just a reason why I haven't been blogging today. I guess that makes it a not-so-good reason, but a reason none-the-less, right?

hi. my name is carolyn and i'm a fontaholic.

2008-07-23T19:54:00.001-07:00

Thanks to my pal Buzz for sending this to me. As a self-proclaimed "font-whore", I found this extremely funny.

Gosh. I don't know what that says about me. Perhaps I should be attending fontaholics anonymous meetings?

[Whaaa. The embed code isn't working for me, so click here to see what I'm talking about.]

silent gratitude.

2008-07-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

And so I'd like to thank all of the wonderful people who have stopped by and left regular comments on my blog. You make my life more interesting and more wonderful. Without you all, I don't think I'd be nearly as content as I am right now. Long live The Happy Girl!

Thank you (in no particular order) to...

AOJ
Kim
Corey
Laura
Ciara
Jen
Irene
David
Jan
Jenny
Lance
Maggie May
Susie
Gemma
LingoVise
MamaGeek
Jennifer
Kaycie
Daryl
Tammy
Potty Mummy
Ped
Spill It
Aims
Jenty
SITH
Quilly
Nervus Rex
ScrappySue
Carrie
Lisa
Cecily
Suzanne
Chris
CrazyCath
Jacki
GoneBackSouth
Jules
Debi
MOB
Angella
Charrette
Carmi
Hootin' Anni
Jackie
JC
Diane
Meg
Beth
Lissa
Rick
Kelli
Margy
HotMama
Debs
Hilary
Pat
Dawn
Tamy
Stefi
Winona
Dangkin
Tina
Merry Mishaps
Alice
Lynn

Yowzers! And that's only going back two weeks. Unbelieveable. Just typing all those names makes me feel amazing. Thank you thank you thank you.

Gosh I hope those links work. Click them all. You won't be sorry!

spread the word to help a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend.

2008-07-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

Do you know anyone with Pulmonary Haemosiderosis? Read this post and spread the word if you can help. Six degrees of separation, right?

unless you have some time to waste...

2008-07-21T01:06:00.000-07:00

... do not press.

the one where you make stuff all blurry on purpose.

2008-07-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

Another Photography 101 post. Yippee. But unlike the first one where I just rambled incessantly about my thoughts on photography, I'm hoping this one might actually teach you something.

A reminder: Most of these lessons will refer to shooting with a Digital SLR. I will give hints on how you might achieve certain things with a Point and Shoot, but I cannot guarantee your results will be as dramatic.

Also: If you know a lot about the technical side of photography, I welcome your input in my comments. I'm going to try and write these posts as simply as possible for people like me who have had an extremely hard time understanding how it all works.

Finally: This post is long. Sorry. I tried to keep it concise, but this first topic is the most complicated and I had a hard time being brief (big surprise.) If you’re just starting out with DSLR photography, I think it might be helpful, so hopefully you’ll read it!

Today's lesson will be about this crazy thing called Aperture. Don’t be scared. I’ll be gentle.

Here's the thing:

When I got my DSLR (a birthday present hand-me-down from my dad), I spent the first two months shooting photos in completely automatic mode. Everything was automatic. Auto Focus. Auto ISO. Auto Flash. Auto Aperture. Auto Shutter Speed. Auto White Balance. Auto everything else you can think of. Words like Aperture and Shutter Speed scared me.

My dad's advice (and the advice I am going to give you) was to start taking my camera out of each auto mode ONE AT A TIME. As you do this, you will learn how each aspect of the camera works, while letting the camera figure out the rest. This method of learning has worked well for me. Put another way, I learned how Aperture worked first by letting the camera do everything in Auto mode, while I changed only the Aperture settings. I used Aperture-priority mode for a couple of months before I started to understand how it worked.

Aperture has been the most difficult and intimidating photography concept for me to understand, but I’m going to start with it first, because I also think the results of understanding Aperture are the most immediately rewarding. This will also be the longest and most challenging lesson, so take a potty break and an aspirin before you begin. Your head might hurt when we’re finished, but it will be worth it. Once you get Aperture, understanding the other settings in your camera will be even more fulfilling.

This lesson will be written in three parts:

PART ONE – An explanation of Aperture
PART TWO – A hands on homework assignment about Aperture
PART THREE – A whole bunch of photos illustrating Aperture

If all the technical mumbo-jumbo scares you, perhaps skip straight to Part Two without even reading Part One. If you’re like me, you learn by DOING, not be reading about it. You don’t necessarily have to understand the hows or whys behind Aperture to make it work for you. So skip ahead if you like!

PART ONE – An explanation of Aperture

To begin with Aperture, first, an explanation about light:

With photography, light determines almost everything. The basic formula of a photograph is based on the AMOUNT of light that comes into the camera, the DURATION of the light that comes into the camera and the SENSITIVITY of your camera to that light.

In other words, pretty much anything you are going to adjust on your camera is to change the relationship between the AMOUNT and DURATION of the light entering the camera, combined with the SENSITIVITY of the camera to that light.

Aperture refers to the AMOUNT of light that comes in. Shutter Speed refers to the DURATION of the light that comes in. ISO refers to the SENSITIVITY of your camera to the light that comes in.

Aperture = AMOUNT of light.

Shutter Speed = DURATION of light.

ISO = SENSITIVITY of the camera.

We’ll talk about Shutter Speed and ISO in the later posts. Let’s focus on Aperture for now.

My dad explained Aperture to me like this: If you turn on your kitchen faucet, Aperture is HOW WIDE the opening of the tap is. A wide-open tap means a lot of water is able to come through. A wide-open Aperture means a lot of light is able to come through. A small Aperture is like making the opening of the tap smaller, or narrower. Not as much water can get through. But, the water that does get through is more concentrated.

Stop and let that sink in for a minute. This part is important. Go to your kitchen sink and turn on your faucet if you have to. I'll wait.

Wide opening = lots of water = less focused = water all over the place as it comes out.

Narrow opening = less water = more focused = water more concentrated as it comes out.

With a wide-open Aperture, more light comes in, but it will be less concentrated. With a small pin-hole sized Aperture, less light comes in, but it will be more concentrated.

NEXT. And here’s the REALLY CONFUSING PART:

There are numbers on your camera that represent the how wide (or not wide) the Aperture is open. These numbers are CONFUSING and BACKWARDS. It makes no sense to me. Accept it and move on. Find some special way of understand this that is unique to you because if you're like me, the numbers will never make any sense.

And, to make it worse, someone decided to put the letter “f” in front of Aperture settings. It’s called the f-stop. I think the “f” stands for fractional. Yuck. I hate fractions.

If the Aperture number on your camera is small (f/2) it means your Aperture is wide open. If the Aperture number on your camera is big (f/22) it means your Aperture is narrow. I have no idea why a wide-open Aperture is a small number and narrow Aperture is a big number. It's backwards to me. I'm sure there's some mathematical equation that explains it, but I have no idea. I think it has something to do with fractions. Did I mention I hate fractions?

My brain hurts. Yours? Take a minute if you have to and then come back.

Okay. Welcome back.

LET'S REVIEW:

APERTURE is about how WIDE (or NOT WIDE) the lens is open. It’s about the AMOUNT of light entering the camera.

A SMALL number (f/2) = wide open Aperture = lots of light = light all over the place.

A LARGE number (f/22) = narrow Aperture = not as much light = more concentrated.

Read that again and really try to understand it. This is the hardest thing I’ll ever explain in my photography posts, but it’s important. Give your temples a massage and let it compute.

Next. Why do these numbers actually matter? Well, here’s the super-exciting-awesome reason you’ve read this far:

You know how some photos look totally awesome because the subject is in focus, but everything other than the subject is all fuzzy looking? And because the subject is in focus, but everything else is all fuzzy looking, the subject really pops out of the photograph? Like this:

PHOTO 1

This has to do with Aperture. Aperture affects something in photography called DEPTH OF FIELD.

In your photos, EVERYTHING from front to back can be in focus, or only ONE PART of your photo from front to back can be in focus. And you can actually control this with your Aperture settings. Cool, eh?? Here’s the same photo with everything from front to back in focus:

PHOTO 2

Any guesses on what the Aperture setting was for each of the photos? Was the “f” number big or small? Remember: Small number, big opening, lots of light, but not very concentrated. Big number, small opening, less light, but very concentrated.

Did you guess right?

In PHOTO 1, the Aperture was set to f/1.8.

Small number. Big opening. Lots of light, but not very concentrated. I focused on the flower before pressing the shutter release and because the Aperture was wide open, lots of light came in but it wasn’t very concentrated. When the shutter is open really wide, the light scatters all over the place inside your camera and most of your photo, except for your FOCUS POINT, ends up fuzzy.

In PHOTO 2, the Aperture was set to f/11.

Big number. Small opening. Less light, but very concentrated. I focused on the flower before pressing the shutter release, and because the Aperture was very narrow, less light came in, but it was very concentrated. When the shutter is very narrow, the light focuses sharply on everything that the camera sees from front to back.

I have a general rule of thumb for myself regarding Aperture:

If I am shooting a single subject, I use a larger Aperture opening (or, a smaller number like f/1.8 - f/5.6) as in PHOTO 1. It makes the subject stand out from it’s background. This works well for portraits of a single individual and other single objects.

If I am shooting multiple subjects, I use a smaller Aperture opening (or, a bigger number like f/16 - f/22). With multiple subjects, I want to make sure everything is in focus from front to back. This applies to things like group portraits and landscapes.

Now here’s the ADVANCED CLASS:

When you have a large aperture opening (f/1.8), the amount of light that gets in is large, so you don’t need very much natural light to get a good picture. You could take a photo at f/1.8 at dusk and still get a clear photo of your subject.

When you have a small aperture opening (f/22), the amount of light that gets in is small, so you need much more natural light to get a good picture. It’s much more difficult to get a good picture at f/22 at dusk than at noon.

Shutter speed and ISO factors in here too, but I’m sure your brain is ready to explode, so I won’t go there.

PART TWO – A hands on homework assignment about Aperture

And now for your Aperture homework. This is trial and error time. Learning by doing.

Make sure your DSLR is completely in Auto Mode. You may need to pull out your manual for this. I have a Nikon D70s. When I turn it on, the little screen tells me that everything is in Auto Mode. I'm repeating myself, but for this lesson, make sure the following things are set to automatic first: ISO, White Balance, Focus etc.

If your camera is new to you, you may never have changed these things, so everything may already be in auto-mode.

Now change ONE THING: Aperture.

Switch your DSLR camera to Aperture-priority. This means that you will be able to set the Aperture to whatever number you want and everything else will figure itself out automatically. The Aperture is your priority. On my camera, you turn the dial on the top to the letter “A”. Yours might say “Av”. Check your manual to find out what to do with yours for Aperture-priority.

POINT AND SHOOT HINT – Most Point and Shoots have an Aperture-priority mode too. It also usually says “A” or “Av” on the dial. The major difference with a Point and Shoot will be how large or small you can make the f-stop. On my Point and Shoot the Aperture range is f/2.6 – f8, whereas on my DSLR (with a standard 50mm lens) the range is f/1.8-f22. The Point and Shoot will allow Aperture-priority and do a good job, but the results will not be quite as dramatic.

With your camera in Aperture-priority mode, change the Aperture number to the smallest number possible for your camera. The type of lens you have on the camera will determine what this smallest number is. The exact number isn’t important. Just make it small. Somewhere between f/1.8 and f/4.5 will work for our example. Just do whatever is smallest.

On my camera, you can change the Aperture number by turning the dial on the front of the camera under the shutter release. Check your manual to figure this out, or play around with the dials or buttons until you see something changing. (In Aperture-priority mode, the Shutter Speed will also move automatically as you change the Aperture. Try not to let this confuse you. Just ignore it and move on. I’ll explain Shutter Speed in my next post.)

Great. Your camera is set to a very small Aperture number. Now go find a subject that meets the following criteria:

1. Choose a subject where there is a good amount of natural light. Direct sunlight is fine. Shadows not as good. Somewhere in between is best. Don’t do this inside a dark room or outside at night. We’ll learn to shoot it difficult lighting situations some other time. Right now, give yourself the best chance for success.

2. Choose a single object like a flower that stays still. Pets and kids move too much which makes learning more difficult.

3. Stand fairly close to your subject. The results won’t be as dramatic if you are across the street from it. This has something to do with how DEPTH OF FIELD works, but it’s confusing, so trust me, stand relatively close to the subject.

4. But, don’t get too close, because you want enough stuff in the frame around and behind your subject for it to get all fuzzy. Maybe two or three feet away is good.

Now take a picture. Make sure you focus on your subject. If your camera is set to Auto Focus, it should find your subject in the middle of your lens and focus on that.

Did you take the picture? Good. Now review it on the screen. Is your subject in focus? Good. If not, check your FOCUS POINT and make sure it was on the subject. Check your manual to figure this out.

Was all the stuff other than your subject all fuzzy? Good! Isn’t that cool? A small Aperture number (wide opening) will give you a clear subject with a fuzzy background, which really helps the subject to pop in the photograph.

Awesome.

NEXT.

Change your Aperture number to f/22 or the largest number your camera will allow. Don’t go higher than f/22 unless it’s a bright sunny day because there’s not enough light to get a good picture. If it’s an overcast day, perhaps set your Aperture to somewhere around f/16.

Now take a photo of the same subject. Did you take the picture? Good. Now review it on the screen. Is your subject in focus? Good. Was everything else in the photo in focus too? Good!

POINT AND SHOOT NOTE: The limitation of a Point and Shoot is that the Aperture might only go up to f/8. There’s some technical mumbo-jumbo that my dad explained to me about how Point and Shoots are designed to have a larger focus area generally, or something like that. Actually, this is what he told me when I asked him to explain why the Point and Shoots work differently in this regard:

"Point and shoot cameras use different auto focus techniques which will tend to achieve overall "in focus" - the camera tries to achieve good focus over the entire field of view whereas the DSLR camera focuses on the spot. This results in an image that is not in perfect focus anywhere, but good focus everywhere."

I don’t quite understand, but the Point and Shoots don’t work quite the same, so the results won’t be exactly the same. Either way, it’s fun to play with the settings to see what you can achieve.

Personally, I love the Aperture-priority mode because an interesting Depth of Field is what takes photos to the next level for me.

So. How did you do?

Do you have a slightly better understanding of what Aperture is? I hope so. Are you less afraid to take your DSLR out of Auto mode? I hope so!

I would be thrilled to bits if you posted some of your Aperture-priority experiments on your blog. Please leave me a comment if you do so I don't miss it.

Moving on...

PART THREE - A whole bunch of photos illustrating Aperture

For single subjects like a flower, choosing a lower Aperture setting (like f/1.8) will really help your image pop. For Point and Shoots, instead of using your Aperture-priority setting you can also choose a "Portrait" mode to get a blurry background.

Here's a sequence of photos that clearly illustrates how changing the Aperture setting affects the DEPTH OF FIELD. At a lower Aperture setting the Princess in the front is the only figure clearly in focus. And as you dial the Aperture up (increase the number, but make the opening smaller), step by step each of the figures will become more in focus. In a situation like this, it's a matter of deciding how much or how little you want to be in focus and then changing the Aperture setting accordingly. If you are taking a photo of a group of people who are standing in several rows one behind another, it's a wise idea to use a higher Aperture setting (big number, small opening) so that all of the faces are in focus from front to back, as in the last photo here at f/22.

And a few more shots to illustrate the point...

See how Red Dragon really stands out from the background when it's all blurry behind him? That's the prize for understanding how Aperture works. Cool, eh??

But.

Something to notice is that in the above photo at f/1.8, Red Dragon is a little blurry himself. He's not as SHARP as you might like (click to enlarge). If you want your subject to be very sharp, make sure you don't dial the Aperture setting down too low. I find with certain lenses the "sweet spot" for ultimate sharpness is somewhere between f/5.6 and f/8. It also depends on availble light, but check out Red Dragon in these next two shots. I think he looks better at f/5.6 than at f/1.8. The background is still blurry, but Red Dragon is sharp and clear.

And then notice when I take the Aperture all the way to f/22... the image looks darker. It's not as bright because I was in the shade here and didn't have much light on Red Dragon. At f/22, the Aperture opening is too small to let enough light into the camera for the subject to be well lit. On overcast days, you will not have much success at a higher Aperture setting (well, until we learn to adjust the ISO or Shutter Speed to compensate for this). But for now, don't be surprised if your photos are quite dark when shooting in Aperture-priority mode at f/22 on a cloudy day.

A couple more shots to illustrate Aperture differences...

I like low Apertures for a flower like this because I don't really want to see the bark mulch on the ground clearly as you do at f/22. But, I also haven't gone too low because if I had shot this at f/1.8, the entire flower from front to back might not have been totally sharp.

I especially like lower Aperture settings to make more delicate objects stand out from their background, like this:

vs. this:

Or this:

vs. this:

And finally, one more sequence to show you how the different Aperture settings make a shot look. In Aperture-priority mode, I have made no changes in the camera except for the Aperture setting:

And that's about it. Did you learn anything useful?

I hope so!

And now for the extra credit, check out some other posts about Aperture that I think are excellent (and much more succinct than mine):

Angella at Dutch Blitz
Laura at Dolce Pics 1
Laura at Dolce Pics 2
Ree at The Pioneer Woman

That's it. And if you read this far and found this post useful, please let me know because it took me SOOOOOOOOO long to write it.

I want to know if it's worth it to post any more.

Next up (if I do it) would be The One Where You Make Fast Things Stop.

* Special thanks goes out to my mom's garden and Csilla's Little People. *

park bench.

2008-07-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Linda and I took Csilla and her best friend N to a wonderful park not far from our home today. We played on the swings, searched for teeny tiny little crabs on the beach, ate a yummy picnic and devoured ice cream. It was a fabulous outing perfectly summed up by the quote engraved on a bench we happened upon in the forest:

And that's exactly what we did. Happy PSF everyone!

mama the liar.

2008-07-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Moving on from all the high anxiety crap...

Before I had a child, little white lies made me feel queasy. I'm honest to a fault. I don't like to lie. Not about anything. Of course, I've done it, but I've never felt okay with it. Besides. I don't have a strong enough memory to be a good liar. I'm sure I'd trip myself up with a sequence of lies before I even got out of the gate.

But.

Now that I have Csilla I have become a pathological liar.

I had no idea motherhood required so much blatant dishonesty. Don't believe me? Here are just a few of the lies I have told Csilla recently:

THE QUESTION: Who ate the last cupcake Mama? I thought you were saving it for me.
THE LIE: Oh honey, I'm sorry, but the cupcake went mouldy so Mama had to throw it away.
THE TRUTH: Mama is a greedy pig and ate it in one big bite before you could get your grubby little paws on it. Before you came along, Mama got to eat a dozen cupcakes at her leisure with no competition whatsoever. Now I have to inhale cupcakes while you're not looking.

THE QUESTION: Mama? I don't want to go to the dentist to have my cavity fixed. Will it hurt?
THE LIE: No sweetheart. It won't hurt at all! The dentist will be very gentle. In fact, it will be lots of fun because your dentist has an office made especially for kids with lots of toys and fun things to do.
THE TRUTH: Going to the dentist sucks, kid. Mama is going to get hopped-up on Tylenol before we go so that she can numb the stress and kill the impending headache. You're probably going to be miserable and Mama doesn't want to face it.

THE QUESTION: Are you going to bed now too Mama? I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to miss anything!
THE LIE: Yes honey. Mama is going to bed as soon as you fall asleep. You're not going to miss anything.
THE TRUTH: Are you kidding? Mama isn't going to bed now. I'm going to finally enjoy what's left of my day by lounging on the couch eating Cadbury Mini-eggs and watching Top Chef. Oh how I love those chocolaty nuggets of yummy goodness. Now go to sleep so Mama can get on with the gluttony.

THE QUESTION: Mama? It's morning! Are you going to get out of bed now?
THE LIE: Not yet love. Mama has a headache. I'm going to lie here just a few more minutes and then I'll get up.
THE TRUTH: No. Apa will get up and make your breakfast because Mama stayed up much too late last night. I don't have a headache, I have a blogging hangover. Now leave me alone.

What kind of lies do you tell your kids? Come on... spill it so I can feel better about myself.

anxiety clarification.

2008-07-17T13:56:00.001-07:00

A huge thank you to everybody who sent a comment or email about my last post. I truly appreciate your advice and I will take heed of every word.

However, I felt the need to clarify something...

Whilst I appreciate and understand some suggestions that I should "meditate" or "just breathe", my symptoms of anxiety are beyond such remedies. In fact, the last time we travelled, I was still nursing Csilla and medication was not an option. I spent a considerable amount of effort meditating and breathing in order to relieve my anxiety. I actually thought I had it under control, but as soon as we took flight, my stress went through the roof, my insides started doing somersaults and I was totally incapacitated again. Although I feel like I should have no problem controlling my anxiety with breathing, when the moment is actually upon me, I can't seem to do it successfully.

Please don't regard this clarification as a slight against any one's kind and thoughtful advice.

My only reason for saying this is because I didn't want people to think I was skipping straight to some "easy" answer (such as prescription medication) without trying to control my problem in some other ultimately healthier fashion. And in light of this, I especially appreciate some of the homeopathic remedies suggested as I truly don't want to take any prescribed medication if I don't have to.

One person (who may wish to remain anonymous) sent me an email that specifically addressed the reasons for her own similar anxieties. I thought it was interesting because she said that it wasn't until she felt she had something to lose that the problem arose.

Fear was at the heart of the issue. Fear of losing something precious.

I feel exactly the same way. Although I loved and appreciated my life before I had Csilla, now that I have her, I get extreme bouts of anxiety and panic if I allow my mind to go even close to a place where her safety is in jeopardy.

It downright scares the crap out of me.

I used to travel all over the world and now I have trouble travelling across town without being irrationally concerned for Csilla's safety. Or mine for that matter. I need to be here for her and panic at the thought of anything happening that would prevent me from caring for my baby.

We have created a nice cocoon for ourselves and travelling on an airplane (thereby taking us outside that cocoon) sends my imagination into overdrive. All of the "what ifs" send my mind reeling and I can't seem to get it under control. I guess this is normal for a mother who desperately loves her child, but finding a healthy solution to my anxiety would definitely be useful. I need to focus on my love for Csilla and not let my fears and negativity control me.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I felt the need to explain myself. Thank you for all your kind words and advice. What an awesome bunch of people you all are.

(btw - Ironically, my doctor was sick yesterday and cancelled the appointment. I'll keep you posted on future developments. Thanks again!!)

(Edit - yes, Potty Mummy, thank you for the suggestion. I actually have seen a psychologist. I touched on it here. In fact, this exact travel anxiety problem was the reason my doctor gave me a referral to her in the first place. My doctor said talk therapy has done wonders for people with anxiety problems and I would agree. I loved my psychologist, but to be honest I find my blog cheaper and more convenient. And unfortunately I can't bring either of them on the airplane with me!)

anxiety advice?

2008-07-16T00:16:00.000-07:00

I meant to write a long, explanatory post about this, but no time for that so I'll keep it short and to the point. Recently I have been having extreme anxiety problems when I travel. Obviously I never used to have this problem, but ever since Csilla was born I seem to get incredibly stressed out to the point of feeling extremely sick before (and during) air travel. Tomorrow I'm going to see my doctor about some options for me on our trip to Hungary next month.

Does anybody have any suggestions for controlling anxiety?

It's beyond any sort of mental hurdle I need to overcome. I'm thinking of taking some sort of medication and I want to find something now so I can give it a test run before we actually travel.

I completely understand if you don't want to leave a comment about this, but if you have some advice or the name of a medication that has worked well for you, please send me an email. I want to be able to take something that will calm my racing mind and nervous stomach, but not leave me feeling drowsy or drugged. Balazs will be with us too, but I need to be on my "A Game" when travelling with Csilla. I worry so much about her safety that no matter what I tell myself, I can't seem to calm down.

No need for disclaimers... I know you're not a doctor. I'm just looking for you to tell me about your own experiences with anti-anxiety medications. I have my big girl panties on, so give it to me straight!

Thanks.

sky dance.

2008-07-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Eeeeek. It's almost midnight and I nearly forgot my Photostory Friday post. I better type quick and keep it brief. I haven't missed one yet.

Below are some photos I took this week of the paragliders that jump off the mountain near our home. Csilla just loves them and gets so excited when she sees the gliders in the sky. They always fly in the late afternoon. I assume the wind or the updrafts or the current (or something?) are just right at that time of day because it's the only time we ever see them. They land in a field not far from our home, so I think I'll make a point this week of taking Csilla to the field to watch them glide in. We did it last summer and Csilla's face was stunned when we talked to one of the gliding instructors who had just dropped from the sky. She looked as though she was meeting some sort of magical flying God. It was adorable. (And it didn't hurt for Mama that he was cute too!)

As for the photos...

I just loved the pair flying in tandem in the first few shots. It was like a beautiful dance in the sky.

And then, just as the twosome disappeared behind the trees, the next daredevil came swooping in. He/she was doing the most amazing loop-dee-loops all over the sky. It was very exciting to watch. I was almost fearful that something was wrong because he/she was all over the place.

You can see from the last shot how close they are to us. Even though I shot this with my zoom lens, the tree in the foreground is at the foot of our driveway and the glider was not so far beyond that.

Anyway... we just love to see the paragliders every summer. Hope you've enjoyed them too. Happy PSF!

the mysterious absence of carolyn.

2008-07-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't been around. Sorry. I miss you all, but I've been working on an exciting photography-related project that is going very well, but also happens to be extremely time consuming. If I could get a spare minute, I'd post all about it, but I've had zero time to write such a post or read blogs for that matter. I can feel you all slipping away from me... sigh.

If anyone has a post they think I shouldn't miss... let me know and I'll stop by.

In the meantime, I think there's an award out there for me (thank you) and I've been tagged for a few memes. As a general rule, I don't participate in awards or memes because they're too time consuming and take away from the purpose of my blog (as I wrote about here), but I think I was tagged by a few different people for one about three things a loved one "knows" about you. I thought it was cute (and easy) so I asked Csilla what she "knew" about her Mama.

I swear I didn't doctor her answers. This is exactly how the conversation went:

Mama: What do you know about Mama?
Csilla: What do I know about you?
Mama: Yes. Me. What do you know about me? Tell me three things...
Csilla: Three?
Mama: Yes. Three. What do you know about Mama?
Csilla: Um. I love her.
Mama: Really? Awwwww.
(showering her in kisses)
Csilla: I love her when she kisses me.
(more kisses)
Csilla: And. She loves me!
(many many many more kisses)

The End.

I can't think of a better list of three things that Csilla knows about me in the whole wide world.

(Although, would it have killed her to slip in something about me being beautiful??)

Have a great weekend everybody!

punk rock mommy.

2008-07-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post through tears, but I'll type anyway.

The lovely and courageous Andrea Collins Smith of Punk Rock Mommy lost her battle with cancer on July 5th.

Even though I did not know Andrea, I have come to admire her through her amazing blog. Andrea's husband and six beautiful children, along with countless friends and family who loved her, will undoubtedly miss her deeply. If you have ever read Andrea's blog, or recall her from this post I wrote a while ago, please stop by and offer your condolences. I'm sure it would mean a lot to Andrea's family to know what an amazing woman we all thought she was.

And.

I'm sorry if this seems crass, but I would also encourage any of you who are financially fortunate to leave a small (or large) donation for Andrea's family through the Pay Pal link here on her blog. Andrea's lovely husband Kelly was not able to work much as Andrea battled her cancer, so the family is in a difficult financial situation. All six kids will need to be put through college, while just a week ago Andrea worried if there was enough money to pay for her cremation. It's hard to think about, but this is their reality.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Cancer sucks.

i can't remember.

2008-07-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

I can't remember what the other movie I watched last week was. I can't even remember what it was about. But it was good. Something about spies. Or war. Or something scary. I don't remember. But it was good.

Made you look.

actual photos of csilla. how exciting.

2008-07-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

It's Friday again. Wow. Time flies. I've got a busy weekend ahead of me so I won't be on the computer much. I apologize in advance for not stopping by all of your blogs. I guess I have to be honest with myself and officially say that I am not a summertime blogger. When the sun is shining and the weather is warm, it seems just plain wrong to spend any time inside on the computer. Oh well. I refuse to feel guilty about how I'm neglecting all of my lovely blogging friends. You understand, right?

Tomorrow we're driving down to Point Roberts, Washington to visit my aunt and uncle. They are two of the nicest people on the planet and I can't wait to spend some time with them at the beach. It's going to be a great day. Can't wait!

On Sunday I'm getting together with one of my best friends for a maternity photo shoot. She's been kind enough to agree to let me take pictures of her big beautiful belly. It should be lots of fun. I'm both nervous and excited because I want the results to be amazing for her. Let's hope I can translate all of my photographic bright ideas into something worth putting in a frame on the mantel. Whatever the results I know I'll have lots of fun trying. Can't wait!

And now for something really exciting. Another Photostory Friday post, this time featuring actual photographs of Csilla.

Wow!!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Yesterday Csilla and I took a walk to the park behind our house. It's kind of a crappy little park, but the swings are always fun and Csilla just loves to swing, so who cares if the jungle gym is lame.

Of course, play time for Csilla is always play time for Mama when I have my camera in hand. I've been trying to figure out how to do a cool technique with motion blur that my dad has successfully accomplished while shooting F1 car races and my brother has successfully accomplished while shooting cycling races. The idea is that you pan your camera with a long shutter speed while keeping your focus on the subject. The result is that the background is motion blurred, while your subject is not.

As Csilla swung back and forth I tried to do this, but as you can see from my results I was not exactly successful. Ideally, Csilla should be totally sharp. Oh well. Maybe it's easier with cars and bikes!!

(For the photo techie-types out there: Nikon D70s, 18mm-70mm lens, focal length 18mm, shutter priority, 1/6s, f/16, ISO 200.)

This next photo I took with my dad's "fisheye" lens. It's ultra-super-wide and makes everything look extra huge. I just love how it makes Csilla look all small and sweet in such a big big world. I know it doesn't look like it, but in actuality I was only about 2 feet behind Csilla. Maybe less. I know it looks like I was further, but the fisheye lens is so wide that it's hard to keep your own feet out of the shot. Anyway, it was sure fun to play with that lens. Thanks Dad!!

(Again, for the photo techie-types: Nikon D70s, 16mm f/2.8 fisheye lens, aperture priority, 1/125s, f/3.5, ISO 200.)

That's it for now. I have laundry to do. Thanks for looking (and sorry these weren't actual face-forward photos of Csilla showing her off in all her cuteness and glory, but I'm protective like that!)

okay. i lied. one more thing.

2008-07-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks Daryl. You are the sweetest lady! And I think you're just plain fun to read too.

Although I gratefully accept and appreciate this award, I won't be passing it on because I am lame and lazy. And besides, I think most of the people I love to read are already on your list. Cheers!

one more thing for tonight.

2008-07-02T23:57:00.001-07:00

Thanks for the AWESOMELY sweet and funny post Jen. You're wicked!!

(Jen's blog is private... sorry to those of you who don't know Jen or haven't been invited to read her blog. She wrote a sweet post about how her adorable daughter Kya loves to look at the photos of the "bootifo" flowers on my blog. She even included a video of Kya trying to sniff the computer screen. Sweet sweet sweet!!

And of course, Jen would always like to meet lovely new bloggers like you, so if sweet pictures of her sweet kids doing sweet things and other sweet and awesome stuff interests you, then send Jen an email and get her to invite you to read her blog. She's awesome. You'll be glad you did.

By the way - this post has been brought to you by my two words of the day: Sweet & Awsome.)

neener neener. bet you're all jealous of this one.

2008-07-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

I must get to bed, but I didn't want to go another day without posting about a fun encounter I had this Canada Day long weekend... I met my first blogging friend in person. Or, should I say, I met a blogging friend in person for the first time?

Oh wait. Actually, I met one of my very first blogging friends for the first time and it was the first blogging friend I have ever met in person.

There. I think that explains it.

And guess who it was???

Here's part where you all get jealous.

Yes. I got to meet none other than the wonderful, witty and warm Kim from Temporary? Insanity.

Jealous? Thought so. Neener neener.

And guess what? She does not disappoint. In fact, Kim is even warmer and nicer in person than she is on her blog. I didn't think it was possible, but it's true. On Monday Csilla and I packed into the car and took a short drive to meet up with Kim and her sweet husband Neil and her two sweet daughters Emma and Becca. Are these people sweet or what?? Sweet.

It was a bit strange and exciting to meet a total stranger who doesn't feel like a total stranger. Strange. Exciting. Yay.

We went to a nearby water park where Emma and Becca played and frolicked like kids should, while Csilla cautiously observed and dipped her feet in the water a little bit. Csilla isn't too interested in the unpredictability of a water park. Especially with her fear of water firmly in place. She did however love the extended swing on the swing set courtesy of Neil. Did I mention he was sweet?

As for Kim and I, we sat in the shade trying not to melt. It was extremely hot on Monday and I think both of us were on the verge of passing out the whole time. Sadly, neither of us were at our best. Between the heat and the stress of trying to keep both eyes on our girls at a busy water park, it wasn't the most ideal of settings for a first-time get together. Not so smart on our parts. Duh.

In spite of all this, I loved meeting Kim. Did I already mention she was incredibly sweet? You know how some people just radiate warmth? Well that's Kim. And it wasn't just the temperature that day. We had a few good giggles and exposed the tip of the iceberg on a couple of conversations I'd love to fully explore in person again one day (minus the heat and the crazy screaming running and jumping water-soaked kids).

Did I mention Kim even brought a gift for Csilla? Huh? Is this girl for real? Somebody should have warned me. I didn't know gifts were involved in this whole meeting-a-blogging-friend-for-the-first-time thing. Anyway, I was only a little embarrassed for arriving empty-handed. Thanks Kim. No really. Thanks. Csilla loves the stuff you brought.

On the upside... did you know that THIS picture of Kim does not do her justice? Kim. You need to update that picture. It's nice, but just doesn't properly convey your warmth and beauty. At least smile your lovely smile for everyone to see!

(And yes, camera-happy Carolyn took pictures that day, but Kim conveniently ducked out of all of them before I could capture her loveliness on film. Grrrrrr.)

You know what else I noticed about Kim? She has the sweetest voice. It matches her warmth and kindness perfectly. I'm so happy I get to hear Kim's voice in my head when I read her posts now. I'm so lucky. Are you all jealous? Neener neener.

Anyway. I've got to go to bed. My life is usually so lame and boring that I never have anything to post about that could possibly make anyone jealous of me so when I do I insist on staying up too late to write about it.

Now tell me... are there any bloggers out there (other than me of course) whom you would love to meet in person? I'd love to know.

the one where you learn absolutely nothing.

2008-07-02T22:40:00.001-07:00

I’m sorry all of my posts are about photography right now, but that’s what I’m into these days. Whadda ya gonna do? I’ll get back to writing lots of angsty stay-at-home-mom crap soon. I promise. Or not. Sometimes I lie.

Oh, and my post about Hungary is in the works too, but it seems like there's some interest in the technical aspects of photography for dummies like me so here it is, my first Photography 101 post. I don't know how much time I'll have to write this stuff, but I'll do my best to share what I know as often as possible.

Disclaimer - My goal is to try and keep this as simple as possible so even slow-brained people like me can understand certain technical aspects of photography. For those of you out there who know a lot of technical stuff about photography, I'm sure you will find all sorts of mistakes in what I write here. Many perhaps important details will be omitted in order to keep it simple. Please feel free to correct me or add to what I have written in my comments. I welcome your input and would enjoy improving my own skills through your knowledge.

I should also add a little bit about how I am learning to become a better photographer. I have not taken a course and I have not read my manual. This is because I am lucky enough to have two extraordinary photographers in my family who are patient with my thick brain. My dad is a walking encyclopaedia of photography. He's a bit of a genius in many areas, but when it comes to photography, I am confident in saying there isn't much he doesn't know about it both in a creative sense and in a technical sense. He's probably read just about every book and manual on photography that has been published since roughly, um... 1826.

Instead of opening my manual, I call my dad.

When my dad isn't available, I call my brother. He's an amazing photographer as well. And my brother's a little better than my dad at "dumbing down" the technical side of photography for me. Between my dad and my brother I've got it covered.

Now. Since I'm not going to hand out my dad or my brother's phone numbers to all of you, I thought I might pass on some of the stuff they've taught me. The "dumbed down" version of photography if you will. My photography is improving and my thick skull is starting to understand how it all works, so perhaps I can be of some use to you.

Let me be clear. I am a beginner photographer when it comes to Digital SLRs. I am just learning how to do this. My photographs are good, but not amazing. I say this because don’t want to seem arrogant. I'd hate to imagine someone out there reading this and thinking, "Her photos aren't that hot. Who does she think she is writing a lesson in photography?" But that's my point. I'd like to help you learn along with me. I have two amazing, knowledgeable resources at my fingertips in my dad and my brother and I'd like to share them with you. I would say that they should be writing this and not me, but the problem is that they tend to get way too technical and confusing sometimes. Not so much my brother, but my dad for sure. I've always found it extremely hard to understand what they mean. I'm hoping I might be able to pass on some of the technical stuff they have explained to me in a way that sinks in for people whose brains "just don't work that way". I consider myself more creative. I know how I want to the photo to look from a creative sense, but I just don't know how to get there technically. It is this drive to achieve a certain look in my photos that is forcing me to struggle through learning the technical aspects of photography. I spoke to a clerk in a photography store the other day and told her how intimidated I was by the technical side of photography. She laughed and said, “When it comes to the technical stuff, I’m on a need-to-know-basis!”

I thought this was an awesome way of looking at it. I’m on a need-to-know-basis too. As I need to know something, I learn it.

I'm hoping you're interested in learning these lessons alongside me...

Okay?

So let's start with the most basic thing - the camera.

In my world, there are two kinds of cameras: the Digital Point and Shoot and the Digital SLR.

I think there are some hybrids out there, but I’m not familiar with them. And I'm not even going to discuss cameras before they went digital. I have nothing useful to share with you about working with film except that it's expensive.

For the purposes of my Photography 101 classes, I will generally be speaking about the technical aspects of using a Digital SLR. I will try to give hints on how to do the same thing with a Digital Point and Shoot, but you may not get quite the same results. The ideas are the same, but the Point and Shoots simply can not achieve the same things that the SLRs can. Sorry if this leaves you out, but they always say, "write what you know", and right now, I know about shooting with a Digital SLR.

I will say this about Digital Point and Shoots:

This is type of digital camera I have used for the majority of my digital camera using life. They are small, compact and very handy. But, in my opinion, they have their limitations. Sorry. It wasn't until I moved to a Digital SLR that I felt I could start taking my photography "to the next level". Most Point and Shoots can do all of the things a Digital SLR is designed to do, but not as well and not as fast. But don't despair. I will try my best to explain how you can achieve similar results if you have this type of camera, but my focus of these lessons will be about taking your photography to the next level with a Digital SLR.

[Edit - I agree Daryl, the Point and Shoots come equipped with a wide variety of programs and manual features that let you achieve some excellent results, but in my opinion, the faster interchangeable lenses and the more extreme Aperture setting options are what really set the Digital SLRs apart. As you'll see in my next Photography 101 post, I'll do an exercise that can be done with a Point and Shoot, but the results won't be quite as dramatic as with my SLR. I hope I don't seem too negative towards Point and Shoots. They definitely are a great asset to a photographer's repertoire. I just find though that my camera skills reached a certain ceiling with a Point and Shoot that couldn't be surpassed until I moved to a DSLR.]

Also. Do not run out and get a Digital SLR just because you think this is the key to better photos. Read Corey's first photography tutorial post to see why. In a nutshell, owning a great camera will not make you a great photographer. Stealing from Corey's post, that's like saying owning a great typewriter will make you a great writer. You need to know how to use the tool in order to have great results. Only practice and study and some creative talent will make you a great photographer.

(I should also note at this point for Ciara that I have no advice on what type of camera is best to buy for you. Perhaps in reading these series of posts, you might learn about some camera features that you know you would want in a new camera. Choosing a camera to buy has everything to do with what you plan on taking photos of and how you want those photos to look. I will try to explain the features of my camera that are helping me to get better photos and perhaps you can use it as a guide for the features you would look for in a new camera.)

Moving on.

About Digital SLRs:

SLR stands for "Single Lens Reflex". I have no idea what that means. What I do know is that a DSLR is different than a Point and Shoot because the DSLR uses a series of mirrors inside the camera so that you, the photographer, can see exactly what the lens is seeing when you look through the viewfinder. If you have a Point and Shoot, I recommend composing your photos by viewing the screen on the back, instead of looking through the viewfinder. The viewfinder is not seeing exactly what the lens is seeing. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the screen is.

Another difference between a Point and Shoot and a DSLR is the lens. A Point and Shoot has a fixed lens. You cannot change it. The most exciting thing about a DSLR is that you can change the lenses depending on your subject and your shooting conditions. Knowing about different lenses and what they can do is one of the first steps to improving your photos with a DSLR.

My most favouritest thing in the whole wide world about a DSLR is the reaction time of the shutter release. It's much faster than the painfully slow Point and Shoot. Sorry to the Point and Shooters out there, but I love getting actual photos of Csilla's face. The speed of the shutter release on a DSLR makes such photos possible.

There are a bunch of other differences between Digital Point and Shoots and DSLRs that I will touch on in future posts, but that's the gist of it for now. I know this post didn't teach you anything new, but I felt an introduction to where I was coming from was necessary.

Sorry to drop it like it’s hot, but that’s all I have time to write.

Next lesson... The One Where You Make Stuff All Blurry on Purpose…

happy canada day!

2008-07-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

bokeh bokeh everywhere. hey. what the heck is bokeh?

2008-06-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

A little while ago I mentioned some photos I took involving "bokeh". Bokeh comes from the Japanese word for blur and refers to the out-of-focus parts of a photograph. Personally, I am a huge fan of bokeh. I just love how it makes the subject of your photo really stand out from the background. Hopefully I'll have time this weekend to start my "Photography 101" posts because the second lesson will be about Aperture settings, which is the technical part of photography that allows you to change the range of focus in a photo. In other words, after my second photography lesson and a little craftiness with some carstock paper, you'll be able to create this effect too.

Now. I-for-one prefer photos that look as natural as possible. I love the look of interesting post-processing actions on other people's photos, but I prefer straight up and straight out of the camera for mine. The photos I post are usually almost exactly as they came out of my camera, except for the occasional levels adjustment (usually to compensate for the total lack of natural light most of the time here in Vancouver!)

Anyway, my point is that I don't particularly care for all sorts of tricks of photography, but I do love to experiment and learn, so when I saw a post on heart-shaped bokeh on Flickr, I was determined to re-create the look. I don't plan on taking many more photos like this, but it was fun to successfully re-create the effect. I do think this will be really cool at Christmas time with some star cut outs or other fun shapes.

I could write a huge long post about how I achieved this effect, but there is no sense re-inventing the wheel, so check out the Do-It-Yourself page on the heart-shaped bokeh effect here. Be sure to scroll all the way to the bottom to see the effect with different cut out shapes.

Anyway... enough talk. Check out my heart-shaped bokeh. As usual, click to enlarge. See the hearty shapes behind all of the flowers? I did not do those in photoshop. With the help of the heart shaped lens hood described on the Do-It-Yourself page, the photos came out of the camera like this. How fun eh? I also took a few of Csilla with hearts all around her. They were super sweet too. Enjoy. After the photos here, I've writen some extra technical tips to help you do this too. And if you do, be sure to post your results. I'd love to see your take on the effect.

(All of these were taken with my 50mm f/1.8 lens on Aperture priority at f/1.8, except the last one of the purple iris, which was taken at f/2.2.)

Some technical hints - I found this worked best when the cardstock lens hood I made fit snuggly and had lots of tape on it to keep light out. Make sure the hood is a complete sheath for the lens, instead of just being taped to the lens, otherwise the lens can't still move and focus. I haven't tried this on lenses other than my 50mm. Apparently a 50mm lens at your lowest aperture setting works best, although I really like the way the last photo here turned out at f/2.2.

The trick is getting a well-lit object in the foreground, while having speckled light in your background that becomes blurred on a lower aperture setting. The flowers in Linda's garden had bushes behind most of them, which provided multiple points of light. It worked well.

Here's what happens when you don't push the heart-shaped lens hood all the way back on the lens and bump up the aperture setting to f/14:

Strange, but kind of cool too. Anyway, have fun with it and be sure to let me know if you try it out.

discover beauty.

2008-06-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

random stuff i've been wanting to post about but just haven't had time...

2008-06-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

This post will be all over the place. Try to keep up:

1. Hungary.

June 21 was the tenth anniversary of our Hungarian wedding ceremony. I meant to post about it on Saturday but never found the time. Happy Anniversary to us. I love Balazs. I've written about our Vancouver wedding anniversary here, about how my wedding dress at our Hungarian wedding made a great bug catching net here and even about buying a really frickin' expensive set of plane tickets to Hungary here, but what I have been meaning to write about for the longest time and haven't got to it yet is a post about Hungary itself. It's number three on my list of the best places on the planet that I started writing when I very first started my blog and got so sidetracked that I only wrote as far as number two. I plan on writing this post soon. Hopefully before we leave for our vacation in August. It will involve history, food and of course, love.

2. My sinuses.

Holy crap. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just writing out loud. Because holy crap. My sinuses have really and truly introduced themselves to me this week. I was not exaggerating in my last post when I said it felt like somebody was experimenting on me with the contents of a rusty tool box. At one point yesterday, when I closed my eyes I could have sworn that somebody had attached a pair of pliers to the bridge of my nose and was compressing it and pulling on it at the same time. I am really allergic to grass. And it sucks. That's enough about that. No more complaining. My head feels okay today.

[Edit - Thanks for the comment Rick. I use the Neti pot daily. I love it and it certainly helps, but unfortunately doesn't rid me of symptoms completely.]

3. Breastfeeding.

Here's the part where everybody reads my blog and then sits back and imagines I have two heads. I'm not sure I've ever written about this before, but a few of you know that I was still breastfeeding Csilla at almost three years of age. Until now. Among many other reasons, one of the reasons I haven't been posting and commenting on various blogs fifty times a day was because I have been weaning Csilla for the last two weeks. And let me tell you. It has been extremely difficult. She has been beyond clingy. It's understandable, but makes it a little hard to blog. I could write a very long post about the whole topic of breastfeeding a three-year-old and how weaning becomes exponentially more difficult as your child gets older, but I won't get into all of that. I will say that the last two weeks has involved many tears (hers and mine) as well as bribery and lollipops for breakfast. But it is done. I no longer breastfeed Csilla. I am both heartbroken and relieved. I miss the closeness and her need for me already. I don't miss feeling painfully tired and run down. And yesterday, when my head hurt so bad that I thought I might barf, I was extremely relieved to be able to take some real medication. For the last four years, I haven't taken anything more powerful than a regular strength Tylenol for fear of it entering my milk and getting to Csilla. (Well, except during labour when the doctors gave me all sorts of fun stuff that left me itching like a junkie when is was all over... but that's another post). Anyway. "Mission Csilla-Wean" accomplished. Huge sigh of relief and sadness.

4. Photography.

I'm working on some "Photography 101" posts, but I'm having an extremely hard time keeping them brief. Big surprise. You know me. Captain Longwinded. I can't seem to make the posts concise, but I'm trying, and hope to post them soon. I've already told you about Corey's wonderful photography tutorials, but if you've read those and want to keep moving, check out Angella's excellent foto friday posts. They're much more succinct than I would ever hope to write, so check them out and learn learn learn. Don't forget to post your learnings too. I'd love to see how you're doing. Finally, I've also been meaning to post some cool photos I took the same day I took these in Linda's garden. It involves something called "Bokeh" and a sprinkling of hearts. I'll explain it all when I finally write the post. Stay tuned.

5. Gone Baby Gone.

Balazs and I watched the movie Gone Baby Gone a couple of weeks ago. I really wanted to post about it because it impacted me in an enormous way, but again, I haven't found the time. I wrote two movie reviews when I first started my blog, but then I got massively sidetracked and haven't done it since. It's probably better off that I haven't written a review about Gone Baby Gone because I would have been too upset to write it. The movie is dark and disturbing and horrible. But in a really good way. Huh? I thought Gone Baby Gone was outstandingly good, but the subject matter - missing and abused children, drug addicted parents, poverty and life in the inner city - is all horrible, so the movie is not for everyone. I'm still thinking about certain scenes. If you've got the stomach for it, watch it. Ben Affleck did and outstanding job of adapting the screenplay and directing it. Casey Affleck was phenomenal in the lead role. Good job brothers! You two are almost as hot as your friend Matt Damon.

6. New Visitors and Old Friends.

There have been a ton of new visitors to my blog recently. I'm thrilled you've all stopped by, but I'm completely bummed that I haven't had time to return the compliment by visiting you. Because of the aforementioned reasons - impending trip to Hungary, painful headaches, clingy three-year-old, photography obsession and movie watching - I have been spending much less time at the computer. Sorry about that. Thanks for stopping by, you're all awesome. I've also meant to drop some comments on posts that have really caught my eye recently, but I haven't been doing that either. Just no time. As it is, I'm frantically typing to finish this post before Blue's Clue ends and it's time to head into the garden (despite the grass). Let's just say I'm lurking and loving so many of your posts. You blogging lot are an amazing bunch. I strongly encourage everybody to visit some of the links on my sidebar under "My Weekly Reads" and "My Weekly Inspiration". You won't be disappointed.

Blue's Clues is over. I'm sure there's more, but that's all I have time for now. Man my fingers can move fast when I have something to say! Peace.

it's a no go...

2008-06-24T23:53:00.001-07:00

I've been working on the first of my "Photography 101" posts, but a painful sinus situation has mostly taken me out of the game this week. It seems that all of my neighbours have simultaneously decided to cut their grass, making the inside of my head feel like somebody is doing experiments on it with the contents of a rusty old tool box.

Comments closed. As of this moment, I have no need for sympathy because the sinus medication has finally kicked in and it's making me feel high.

I shall return...

photo help?

2008-06-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've had a number of comments lately indicating that you wish you were a better photographer and it got me thinking...

Would there be any interest if I wrote a few posts about the technical aspects of photography for thick-numbsculls-like-me-who-have-a-really-hard-time-understanding-all-the-technical-camera-mumbo-jumbo?

Corey over at Living and Loving Every Minute of It has already written some fabulous photography tutorials that you should check out here, but I was thinking of trying to teach you some technical stuff like how shutter speed and aperture work and what different lenses do, from the perspective of someone who has had a hard time understanding it all. (Sorry if you were already heading there Corey! Should we tag-team it?)

My fear of the technical aspects of photography (and some other family issues that we won't get into) has prevented me in the past from achieving better photos, but it's finally started sinking in and my photos are getting better. I thought maybe some of you might enjoy some instruction coming from a dumb-dumb like me.

Let me know if this might be useful to you. Or maybe you're not that impressed with my photos and think I'm arrogant. I don't know. Leave a comment. Don't flatter me. Be honest.

water water everywhere.

2008-06-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

The PhotoHunt theme this week is water. What a no-brainer for me. We've had just a little bit of it falling from the sky lately. Yesterday it was overcast, but luckily still nice and warm so Csilla and I played out on the deck for most of the day. I'm a little gun-sky about pulling out the inflatable pool just yet. We've only had one or two nice days this summer and I don't want to jinx it. Instead, I hauled out this old tub for her to play with. Of course, this mama always has ulterior motives. It was the perfect opportunity to practice more stop-action photography. Splashing and jumping was strongly encouraged. Csilla and Mama had lots of fun.

Csilla's favourite part of the day? Filling sponges with water, placing them on our deck chairs and then sitting on them so it looked like she was peeing. As the water fell through chairs to the deck below, she squealed with delight. Hilarity at it's best. Nothing like a good fake pee, eh?

And yes, I did take photos of the fake pee, but no, I will not be posting any photos of my naked kid today. Sorry friends and perverts alike.

Technical specs (click photo to enlarge) - Nikon D70, 50mm lens, SS 1/800, Ap f/5. I was pushing this shot to see how low I could set the shutter speed in order to get the highest aperture possible. I wanted the water as crisp and clear, but still frozen mid-air. This was the best I got. I think it would have been even better if the day had been a bit brighter. Next time...

apparently i'm a talent!

2008-06-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

I've written many times about finding things in life that I'm passionate about. It's a constant struggle for me. Today while visiting Soft In The Head's blog I took a quiz that lead me to another quiz and the results were pretty bang on so I thought I'd share them. Plus, they included a picture of my boyfriend Leo so I just had to post it. (Although, can anyone tell me who the girl is at the piano? Tori Amos?)

Take the quiz and let me know what you are. Especially if you turn out to be a Mandarin. I'd really like to know what the heck that means.

You're a risk-taker and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.

Talent: 49%
Lifer: 41%
Mandarin: 44%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

a rose is a rose is a rose.

2008-06-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Last week Csilla and I went over to Bendy Linda's house for a playdate with her daughter, N after preschool. Linda and I were enjoying the girls playing nicely together while we both had our cameras out trying to capture the gorgeousenss of Linda's garden. I had a lot of fun playing with a techique used to create heart shaped "bokeh" in photos. I'll post about it this weekend (if I'm not too busy).

In the meantime, I'd like to share three gorgeous roses from Linda's garden. Aren't these just outstanding? The pink one reminds me of something you might see Nicole Kidman wear to the Oscars. I just love it!

Happy Photostory Friday everybody.

(click to enlarge)

For each of these photos I had on Linda's awesome macro lens. I'm not sure exactly what kind it was and unfortunately it's not showing up in my shooting data, so I can't tell you. But it was great. I so want my own marco lens. Maybe I'll put it on my birthday wish list, but I don't know if I can wait until September!

And to Jan - we really did stop and smell them too! The pink one had an especially amazing fragrance.

change the world.

2008-06-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

Still no time to blog this week. Hope everybody is doing well. I'm up to my eyeballs in the kind of stuff that needs to get done when the sun is actually shining. Like cleaning out the garage. Whoopee. Now I'm almost wishing for the rain again. Crazy.

to all my awesome peeps...

2008-06-14T00:20:00.001-07:00

... sorry I've been M.I.A. on your blogs lately. Thank you for all the lovely comments and funny emails. You are wonderful!

Much love,

splashin'.

2008-06-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Hey you all! Thanks for all the wonderfully helpful comments left on my last post. Having a really big rant has helped me to feel at least a little bit better and I'm only half as grumpy as I was two days ago. The weather is still horrible and my mother just informed me that this is officially the coldest June in Vancouver on record. The Coldest Ever. I knew I wasn't just imagining things. Apparently the sun was out for about five minutes this morning at 6:30am. Damn. I missed it. But I shouldn't complain. I should try to remember what Csilla told me the other day when I said I was mad about the weather.

She said, "That's silly Mama! You can't be mad at the weather. It's not even a person!"

So. Okay. Let me get this straight. I can't be mad at the weather, but it's okay to be mad at people. We sure are doing a great job of raising this kid. Yup.

And now for something more fun than complaining about the weather. Photostory Friday:

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

On Wednesday it was pouring rain (what's new), so I bundled up Csilla in rain gear and let her go nuts in a few puddles. I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, eh?

I've been trying to learn how to stop motion with my camera. Splashing water is perfect for practicing with and Csilla was only too happy to oblige. At first when I told her to jump higher and splash more she was a little cautious. I'm usually telling her to try and stay dry so she doesn't get too cold. But this time I told her to go nuts. She had a blast splashing about. We both got completely soaked. I literally poured the water out of her boots when we were finished. Despite the freezing rain, we both had fun and I got a few shots I liked; including this one (click to enlarge):

For those of you interested in the photography side of this - I shot it with my Nikon D70s. I had on my brother's 85mm F/1.8 lens. Shutter speed was set to 1/2500, Aperture F/1.8 and ISO 450. I also had on my handy-dandy rain sleeve to keep the camera dry. Click here to see what a rain sleeve is. I highly recommend one of these for shooting in the rain.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I've got a busy weekend ahead of me, but I'm hoping to catch up on a least a few of your blogs. Don't be surprised if several comments roll in from me around midnight on Saturday. Hope you all have a wonderful SUNNY weekend!

thar she blows!

2008-06-12T00:45:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer - profanities and ranting ahead... proceed with caution. Viewer discretion advised.

I wanted to write an enormous rant post today, but I couldn't decide on what to complain about first or most, so I watched a movie instead. And then I contemplated saving it for later, but now I can't sleep, so here it is in list form (which sometimes helps me keep it short):

1. This weather is seriously getting me down. I don't know if I can face another summer without any actual, you know, summer. We didn't have one last year and this one isn't shaping up to be any better. I wore my down-filled winter coat today. My winter coat. Winter. The warm one. With down in it. And I was still a little bit cold. Are you effing kidding me? Balazs actually told Csilla we were going to get a Christmas tree this weekend and she believed him. Damn. Now I have to explain why Santa won't be here for another six months. Probably every day, for the next six months, I will have to explain why Santa isn't here yet. Thanks Balazs. You'll be at work all day while I'm fielding constant and repeated questions about some fat jolly dude in a red suit. Csilla has a mind like a steel trap. Once you tell her something she never forgets it. Especially if it has anything to do with sugar, candy, presents or Santa. Call me pissed off.

2. We just dropped over $4,000 on airline tickets to Hungary today. I should be really excited about the trip, but it's $4,000 we really don't have. Why are tickets so damn expensive? Crap. I feel like holding a charity fundraiser for myself. I used to love travelling, but now it really stresses me out. There is so much more involved when you travel with a child and I am not looking forward to travelling 15 or 16 long, stressful and exhausting hours with a 3-year-old wiggle-fart as my constant companion. Maybe I should start the sugar-detox with her now so we get all the withdrawal symptoms out of the way early.

3. Speaking of sugar. I think Csilla has a cavity. I'm super upset and pissed off about it. Perhaps it could have something to do with her insatiable lust for sugary treats. Hell. I can only say no so many times a day before start to I lose my mind. Seriously kid. Enough. No. No. No. No. No. No. No! You cannot have another (insert sweet treat here) instead of eating your dinner. No! I actually had to tell Csilla she would go to bed hungry tonight before I would give her any more crap to eat today instead of real food. She cried. I felt like shit. What are you gonna do?

4. Perhaps Csilla's cavity also has something to do with her monumental resistance to teeth brushing. If I have to forcibly brush her teeth while she throws a tantrum one more time I'm going to stab myself in the eye with a toothbrush.

5. I had two visits yesterday with girlfriends. I saw one friend at lunch and two friends at dinner. This should sound like a good thing. Especially because these three women are three of my best friends in the whole world and yet I felt like shit about it today. I felt like shit because all I did during both get-togethers was talk about myself. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Bleh. I did not stop talking for more than five minutes both at lunch and at dinner. I hate myself when I do this. Hate. Myself. The lovely quote about silence I posted a few days ago was actually a reminder mantra to myself in preparation for these two girlfriend get togethers. It did not work. I suck.

6. I've been contemplating an exciting endeavour involving photography, but it's only serving to piss me off just like everything else I long to do in my life right now. I have no time. None. I never get any time to do the things I want to do and I'm sick of it. I enjoy my hobbies and I want to spend time doing them, but my life just eats away at my time and the only way I get to do things I want to do is if I stay up into the middle of the night to do them. I always have to choose between sleep or things that bring me joy. I hate making that choice every day.

7. Balazs is trying to sleep and just stormed in here to yell at me about my furious and loud typing. Great. As if I wasn't in a bad enough mood. Now I feel like sleeping on the couch too. F**K.

8. I feel like selling most of my possessions on craigslist because we have run out of room in our house. It's just not big enough, but since there is no hope of us upgrading to a larger space, the only option is to purge. Our house looks tidy, but only because every available inch of storage space is jammed to the gills with crap. I don't even know what half of it is. I just want to back up a big truck to the house and load it blindfolded with a bunch of useless crap and let someone drive it away. I'm thisclose to doing it. If one more thing falls out of a cupboard and onto my toe... so help me... I'm calling someone with a big effing truck and a penchant for useless crap. Try me can of tuna. Just try me.

9. I would start #8 by loading up the truck with all the useless toys I overindulge Csilla with because I can't seem to say no to her. She doesn't play with any of it anyway, so why should she care if I get rid of it? Does anyone need a Mr. Potato Head?

10. I pride myself on not being materialistic and yet I'm constantly buying new things for Csilla. I've spent maybe $30 on new clothes for myself in the past 6 months, but I buy new clothes for Csilla almost every week. She's growing fast, but not that fast. Why can't I resist buying things for her?

11. Csilla is the pickiest frickin eater on the planet. I'm tired of making the same boring-assed meals for her every day and still having her refuse to eat them. If I make something flavourful, it's too flavourful and she hates it. If I make something bland, it's too bland and she hates it. She wants nothing to do with vegetables. Even when I try to hide them in her food. I'm embarrassed when we go for lunch at a friend's house and her 2-year-old child will eat all the vegetables and food that Csilla flat-out refuses to eat. It's. So. Frustrating.

This list is getting stupider by the minute. I'm embarrassing myself, so I'll stop now. Don't feel the need to comment. Unless you have something really constructive to say. It will only exacerbate my embarrassment.

Rant over. Bye.

love this kid.

2008-06-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

before you speak.

2008-06-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

"Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve the silence?" - Shirdi Sai Baba, Indian saint

food as art.

2008-06-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

As promised... pictures of sushi. Balazs is convinced that I have completely lost the plot. He brought home all of this yummy goodness on Friday night and instead of seeing food, all I saw was art. Isn't sushi beautiful?!

[Edit - And yes WT, you're right. Some of this sushi is not actually sushi, it's tempura.]

photostory friday. it's new!

2008-06-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

I am loving photography right now. And guess what? I think it shows because just two days ago I received an invitation from MamaGeek to join a new weekly post called Photostory Friday. In her email, Mama Geek wrote the sentence, "You're so talented, you'd be perfect for it!" Well knock me over with a feather. I am so flattered. Yes! Of course I'll participate. Seeing as how I'm very new to photography, for anyone to say I'm talented is extremely flattering.

And that's the thing... ever since posting more and more photos on my blog, people have been incredibly complimentary. It's wonderful. Especially coming from other amazing photographers like MamaGeek, Corey, Jenty, Angella, JC, David and a few others (I'm sorry if I'm forgetting you at this exact moment). This whole blogging thing is so awesomely supportive! I love it.

I swear Mama Geek created Photostory Friday just for me because there is almost no way in hell I can post a photo and not write a story to go with it. Have you ever noticed that I never post for "Wordless Wednesday"?

Wordless? Are you kidding? A complete impossibility for me. I like stories. So here goes. My first Photostory Friday post:

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Every Wednesday Bendy Linda and I drop off our girls at preschool and walk to a nearby deli that makes the best sandwiches you could ever imagine. As luck would have it, I had my camera on hand this week and couldn't resist taking a photo of sandwich perfection:

The bread is a fresh baked baguette that is not too crunchy and not too soft. Delicious. Inside the bread is a wonderful concoction of marinated eggplant, roasted red peppers, edam cheese, tomatoes, roast chicken, lettuce and a little bit of mayo that mixes all perfect and drippy with the marinade of the veggies. I don't know how to describe the marinade, but it's got a Mediterranean vibe that is oh-so delicious!

Along with the sandwich, Linda and I always get a hot chocolate at Delaney's. I used to be a hard-core Starbucks hot chocolate aficionado, but Delaney's puts chocolate whipped cream on their hot chocolate... so bye-bye Starbucks and hello Delaney's! Chocolate on top of chocolate? Are you kidding me? It's almost better than sex!

Sorry I don't have a photo of the chocolate whipped cream, but I ate it before I hauled out the camera. I just couldn't wait!

While Linda and I were noshing on our yummy food, this little cutie stopped by to say hello. And for the record, that's not some of my sandwich in the little guy's mouth. I wouldn't share my sandwich. No way! He found a piece of somebody's muffin on the ground instead.

And finally, while Linda and I were walking back to preschool to pick up our girls I walked by the window of the local butcher and snapped this photo:

I just love the way the tin cans are always stacked up so neatly in this window. It's almost like art to me - all graphic and colourful. I love it. Does that make me weird?

And that was my first Photostory Friday post. Hope you enjoyed having lunch with me. Thanks for inviting me MamaGeek!!

One other thing. Today is Friday, which means another weekly food tradition for me. Balazs will be bringing home sushi tonight. Yum!! Perhaps I'll have to bust out my camera at dinner and show you some of the best sushi I've ever had.

Now tell me... do you have any favourite food routines that you look forward to each week?

i saw what i saw. and i had to pass it on.

2008-06-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

I just watched this video over at {Crazy Lady on Road 80}. I adore Jan and her blog. She always posts the most beautiful thoughts and ideas. Especially this... I just had to pass it on:

I should also mention that Jan's a bit under the weather this week, so pop on over there and tell her to get well soon!

visualize whirled peas.

2008-06-04T15:38:00.001-07:00

Today is BlogBlast for Peace so I thought I'd join in by expressing some of my thoughts on peace.

I believe we can all create peace each and every day by spreading kindness in our own lives. Through small acts of love towards those around us, our beauty will radiate outwards; and if we all focus on this goal and practise compassion daily, peace could become a reality in our lifetime.

With this in mind, Csilla and I would like to share this flower with you in a gesture of love and kindness. We hope everyone has a peaceful day.

stop and look around.

2008-06-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

sale! sale! sale! today only. five posts for the price of one.

2008-05-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing much lately. I know I'll bounce back, but I just haven't been inspired to write. Hence the many photoful posts recently. I've also been lurking but not commenting much either. I think it may have something to do with this being tired thing. I'm looking into it. I'll let you know what's up with my exhaustion as soon as I know.

My absence has caused some unfinished business so I thought I'd use this post to answer a few questions that were left in my comments and maybe I'll even do a meme. How exciting for you.

Without further ado and for your enjoyment, here are some leftovers:

1. MY CAMERA

I've had a couple of questions about what kind of camera I use. My dad gave me his hand-me-down Nikon D70s Digital SLR for my birthday last year and I LOVE it.

LOVE. IT.

I will never go back to the standard point-n-shoot with it's unbearable shutter release of the three-second-delay-fame which has left me with far too many photos of Csilla's backside. (Although her bum is very cute, even I have my tipping point.) The reaction of the shutter release on my Nikon is instant. If you have the means, I highly recommend a digital SLR for toddler photography. Actual photos of your child's face can be achieved.

I have two different lenses. The one I use the most is my Nikon 18-70mm F/3.5-4.5 zoom. It's incredibly versatile and gets me most of the shots I want to take. I rarely take it off the camera. (This is the one I had on for my gosling pictures Corey.) My other lens is a Sigma 70-210mm zoom, which gets me to places my Nikon lens just can't. (I can't find a link for the Sigma because it's a bit old-school and I'm too tired to take a photo of it so the two of you who care can see it.) Super exciting awesome. My dad just brought over a new lens for me yesterday. He calls it a "long term loan". Wicked. It's a Sigma 28-300mm zoom with a Macro feature. An upgrade from my previous Sigma zoom. I haven't had the chance to test it yet, but I'm thrilled to be the third in my family to pick up the photography hobby. The hand-me-downs are awesome!!

Last Wednesday I did another one of my BeautyHunts when Csilla was in preschool and the best part about the walk was my brother's Tokina Macro 100 F/2.8 Pro-D lens which he loaned me for a few days. Yowzers! Let me tell you. This lens kicks some serious photography butt. For those of you not familiar with what a "Macro" lens can do, check out these two shots I took with it (click to enlarge):

Awesomeness. How cool are those? A Macro lens lets you get really, really, really close to the subject and still have it in focus. So fun. Man I wish I was rich. I would have ten of these lenses. One to actually use and nine more just to smile at all day.

I wonder if my brother will notice if I, er, forget to return the lens to him??

Next subject:

2. MY BAD BACK

Thanks to all of you who have wished me a speedy recovery on my bad back situation. I know I'm not only one with back problems so I'm sure I'm in good company when I say it really sucks to "throw your back out". I don't even know what that phrase means. But I'll tell you what I did to cause it:

Something stupid.

That's what I did. I forgot to turn on my brain and did something stupid.

Here's the story:

I'm a lightweight. I weigh about 110 pounds soaking wet. Csilla weighs more than me and she's only three. I don't even know what muscles look like, let alone have any. But sometimes I go to Costco and think I'm a superhero. I approach the Costco-size box of San Pellegrino with a mental image of myself that strongly resembles the Incredible Hulk after he's turned all crazy and green (minus the ripped shirt because that would be a little too risqué for Costco). Anyway, you get the picture. (Silly side note - I actually typed Incredible Hunk first which I think would be way better than an Incredible Hulk. They should make a movie about the Incredible Hunk. Leo could star. Or Matt. I love you boys. Call me!)

Moving on. So there I am at Costco staring down this box of San Pellegrino that looks like a box of feathers to me, but as I heave it over my shoulder, it turns out that it's not a box of feathers, but it's actually a big huge box of heavy glass bottles filled the bubbly water. And unfortunately the bubbles don't make the box any lighter.

Ouch.

There goes my back. Again. Stupid.

Which leaves me screaming just to tie my shoelaces. (Actually, I never tie my shoelaces. I'm a slip-them-off-fully-tied kind of girl). But again, you get the picture.

I'm stupid about my back all the time. You would think I'd learn.

There's this amazing Hungarian casserole dish called Rakkot Kel that I make in a ginormous pot which always kills my back too. It never fails. Again with the Incredible Hulk thing. I look at the dish as I'm about to slide it into the oven and I always think it looks really light, but in fact it weighs a ton and I kill my back as I lean over to put it in. Every. Time.

Stupid.

I don't know when I'm going to learn, but let's just say my acupuncturist loves it when I make Rakkot Kel because cha-ching. There I am the next day on his table with 10,000 needles sticking out of my back. He's probably thinking, "Dingy broad. She was probably making Rakkot Kel again..."

I've had about fifteen years to figure it out and yet I don't. My bad back started out it's life as a nice big whopping case of whiplash courtesy of some useless turd who rear-ended the teeny tiny car I was a backseat passenger in way back in university. I've never been the same since. My neck, my back and my head ache a lot of the time.

And even worse, every time I wind up on the acupuncture table at - cha-ching - 70 dollars a pop, I am reminded of my ultimate stupidity when I signed my life away for about $1,500 so I wouldn't sue the car insurance company and the useless turd driver who forgot to hit the brakes before slamming into us.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Monumentally stupid.

Over the years I have spent more than $1,500 on Tylenol alone for my sore neck and back and all the resulting headaches. Not to mention physio, acupuncture, massages and whatever other hair brained new-age treatment I tried out in the hopes it would alleviate my discomfort.

Did I mention the word stupid?

Next subject:

3. BALLOONS

I'm trying to learn how to take photos of balloons so they don't look incredibly boring, but it's not easy because balloons really loose something when you stick them in a photo and take away all their floatiness. So what do you think?

I took these photos a few weeks ago and I'm trying to decide if they look artistic and interesting or if they look like an overexposed mistake. You tell me:

Cool? Or not? Take the poll:

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Next subject:

4. MY TWO GOLD MEDALS

When I posted about the article that Buzz wrote, I mentioned that I participated in the Canada Summer Games. Not to embarrass anyone, but, er, to the wonderful lady who shall remain nameless (ooops, did I just post that link?) it wasn't the Olympics. I'm amazing, but not that amazing. (Love you, J!)

When I was about 16 I participated in the Canada Summer Games (not the Olympics) on a BC Provincial Team in rowing. But as I mentioned above, I only weigh about 110 pounds soaking wet so I wasn't one of the rowers, I was the coxswain. For those of you who don't know what that is, the coxswain is the tiny person who sits at the back of the boat and yells "Row!" (Not really, but the real version is a long story that I'll save for another post.)

Anyway, I was actually an excellent coxswain, so perhaps I'll write more about my amazingness another time. I love boasting about myself, but this post is already too long, so I'll save it. The short version is that our team won two gold medals in the coxed fours and eights with me at the helm. It was exciting and it's an accomplishment I am very proud of.

Next subject:

5. THE MEME

Retired and Crazy tagged me for a meme. As you may know, I've poo-poo'd memes in the past, but this one is quick and dirty, so why not. The meme is to write six things about myself that you may not know. So here they are, in no particular order:

ONE. I have my basic sea survival certification. So if you ever get stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean after your ship has sunk give me a call because I'm your girl.

TWO. The skirt of my wedding dress (pictured here) turned out to be a perfect bug catching net. Following a walk through some buggy grass after our wedding ceremony in Hungary I spent most of a romantic horse drawn carriage ride through the cobblestone streets of Budapest picking tiny gnats out of my lap.

THREE. Despite some crazy-serious injuries, including this one, I have never broken a bone in my body. Knock on wood.

FOUR. The light above my shower has been flickering lately when I bathe late at night. I pretend it's a ghost trying to make contact with me. It's probably just the lightbulb slowly dying.

FIVE. I've never been very good at telling time on traditional analogue clocks. You know, the ones with the hands? Not the digital kind. I'm not that dumb. I think I missed that day in elementary school when everybody else learned to tell time because I still have to take a long pause to figure out what time it is when I see hands on a clock. Other than that, I'm actually quite smart. I think I have an IQ of 137, but who's counting?

SIX. I was extremely stubborn as a child. Once, when I was about six, I refused to clean my room and was so adamant about it, that I infuriated my calm and loving mother to the point where she threw all of my precious stuffed animals out my second floor bedroom window and onto our front lawn. On a Sunday afternoon. While all our neighbours were outside watching and listening. And I wouldn't back down. I still refused to clean my room for another few days and my animals slept on the lawn. My poor mother.

And that's about it... I won't be tagging anyone to do this meme, but if it interests you, consider yourself tagged and let me know when you do it. I'd love to learn something unknown about you.

And although I was stupid again and hurt my lower back while making the bed yesterday, I'm back in the blogging game this week. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on everybody's blogs and visit some of the new commentators I've had recently. I don't know if I'll have the time to hit everybody, but I'm working on it.

Thanks for hanging out and thank you all so much for missing me. It feels wonderful to be missed once in a while.

just for you, david.

2008-05-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

Okay David. You asked for it! Although I'm not as strong as you. I could hold the camera out myself, but I had to get Csilla to press the shutter release.

And for those of you wondering what the heck is going on, this week's PhotoHunt theme is "Self/Yourself or Part of You". Click through to David's blog to see what all the mirror kissing is about...

sugar. now with more sugar!

2008-05-30T20:38:00.001-07:00

(Click to enlarge.)

photos of csilla!

2008-05-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

As a treat to all of you who have been missing me so much, I thought I'd share some photos of Csilla with you on Sky Watch Friday. (Click the link to enjoy more beautiful skies.)

I took these photos last week after we bought her new kite at Granville Island. It was an extremely windy day so these were almost pictures of Csilla flying through the air behind the kite! Thanks to my mom, Csilla stayed on the ground while I snapped photos. Csilla's the tiny speck in the purple top and that's my mom with her. You'll notice that Nana's not much taller than Csilla. It's not a trick of photography. My mom isn't especially tall. Sorry Mom!

Hope you enjoyed some photos of Csilla. Isn't she cute? Have a great weekend everybody. Regular blogging is expected to resume shortly.

set your aim high.

2008-05-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark." - Michelangelo Buonarroti

I'm still on my self-imposed blogging time-out. Talk amongst yourselves.

just checkin' in.

2008-05-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Hey all. You may or may not have noticed my absence, but I'd like to take a quick moment to apologize. You see, I've been burning the candle at both ends for the last few months and it's finally caught up with me a little. I've been completely exhausted lately and I feel the need to sloooooow down. (And for those of you who might read exhausted and think pregnant, no, I'm not pregnant.)

I won't further burn the candle by writing some ridiculously long post explaining all the various miscellaneous reasons for my absence and subsequent exhaustion. Instead, I'll stop here and say I miss you all, and thanks for all your comments on my last few posts (especially about my photography, which makes me feel wonderful and about my back, which is feeling much better thank you), and sorry I haven't been stopping by your blogs like I normally do and see you all soon. Maybe I'll do some blogging catching up tomorrow, or maybe I'll take a nap. We'll see which feels more important when two o'clock rolls around and I'm feeling sleepy. Okay? Awesome.

cute cute cute. and more cute. this is seriously cute.

2008-05-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

I just noticed that Sunday is "Camera Critters" day, so I thought I'd post a few cuties of my own. On Thursday we took Csilla to Granville Island for a visit to the duck pond and to buy her a kite. She's been asking for a kite for ages, so we finally got her one at Kid's Only Market. I'll be sure to post some fun kite flying photos later in the week, but for now, I thought I'd share some of the sweetness we saw at the duck pond. Csilla just loves the duck pond at Granville Island. She would go every day if she could, but parking is a bit of a nightmare, so no thanks.

I think it's the first time I went somewhere with my camera where I took more photos of something other than Csilla than of Csilla herself (did that make sense?) Put another way, I took more photos of birds than of Csilla. The cute overload was extreme. Below you'll see mostly baby geese (goslings), but there's also one shot of some adorable little ducklings. Csilla just loved the ducklings, but mama duck had her babies carefully tucked away in the tall grasses on the other side of the pond for most of our visit. Smart mama. I wouldn't trust my babies with crazy camera wielding tourists either.

I have to say I was afraid for my life while taking a few of these. I'm not kidding. Trying to get close ups of baby goslings is scary stuff. The mama goose was never more than two feet away from her babies at any time and was on high alert. I'm sure if I'd moved too fast in any direction (especially towards any of her babies) I would have met with the business end of mama's beak in no time flat.

Thankfully, I was not attacked by mama goose and I did get a few good photos. I'd like to think that mama goose knew I was a loving mama myself and therefore felt her babies were safe in my presence.

Sorry I've posted so many photos, but I just couldn't choose which ones I liked the best. Enjoy! (Click to enlarge.)

Oh. And speaking of "Camera Critters", Csilla brought this little guy into the house the other day. She desperately wanted to keep him. We let the darling little snail slime along on her tea-party table for a while and then insisted that he (or she?) go back outside. Csilla burst into tears. Balazs and I had to put on a travelling circus to distract her enough to get her (or him?) back outside without Csilla noticing. It was traumatic. We won't be bringing any critters like this into the house again any time soon...

Thanks for looking.

Wait for me!

i'm almost famous. a follow up.

2008-05-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it (or couldn't open the PDF) - regarding the post I wrote last week about being almost famous - here's the article my friend Buzz wrote. Click to see it larger:

introducing... too cute for words.

2008-05-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Okay. This is my new favourite thing!!!

Daryl at Out & About in New York City posts awesome cartoons on her blog which she makes at Toonlet.com. I just love them so much that I wanted to try it myself with some of Csilla's funny one-liners.

Here it is. My first installment of Too Cute For Words (click to enlarge):

Thanks for the fun idea Daryl. Mwah. Mwah! I love it!

sweet. adorable. weird. strange.

2008-05-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

I think this is the longest I've gone without posting since I started my blog. Yowzers. The PhotoHunt theme this week is shoes, so I thought I'd branch out from exclusively taking photos of Csilla's darling hands and move into showing you her precious feet too. Plus, I couldn't resist taking a couple of snaps of Csilla's new shoes. They're Joe Brand from Superstore and only cost $10. Awesome deal and cute too!

I also spotted these while we were out the other day. Seeing shoes over a power line is always so strange to me. I have no idea what the fascination with hanging shoes like this is. But I guess lots of other people (kids probably) think it's funny because I see hanging shoes all over the place. Weird if you ask me.

i'm almost famous.

2008-05-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Total frustration. I've strained my back and haven't been able to do much blogging fun lately. It's so annoying. I love visiting with everybody on their blogs and really miss it when I can't spend time at the computer writing and socializing.

I must head to bed and rest but I wanted to write a quick post to tell you about something fun that happened this week. My friend Buzz from The Blog According to Buzz interviewed me for an article he wrote about Mommy Bloggers for a local daily newspaper. Buzz and I worked together when I did radio promotions. He's a radio DJ, but he also writes for 24 Hours. I was extremely flattered and very excited that he even asked me. Especially since I'm so relatively new to blogging.

Anyway. You rawk Buzz. Thanks for making my week. The last time I was quoted in a newspaper was when I won two gold medals at the Canada Summer Games almost twenty years ago. I was actually misquoted, but that's another story...

Buzz asked me to be brief in my answers because he was only going to use one or two of my quotes in his article, but who was he kidding. Me? Brief? Bwwahahahaha!

Just for fun, I thought I'd post the entirety of what I wrote for Buzz, and then you can laugh at me when you read the final article and how much of this actually made the cut. No disrespect to Buzz. I'm thrilled with how much of me actually made it in, but you can laugh at my enthusiasm and verbosity. As I was writing, I pretended like I was giving Buzz lots to work with instead of too much. (Right... you keep telling yourself that Carolyn).

First, the interview and then the link to the final article:

---------------------------

Are you a mommyblogger?

Sure. I’m a mommy and I blog, but apparently there are some negative connotations associated with the term mommyblogger which I do not subscribe to or understand. I don’t even know how to address the negativity except to say that there are some amazing writers out there who happen to be mommybloggers and they are worth reading even if you don’t have kids. You can always skip the posts about poopy diapers and potty training. Nobody wants to read those. Not even mommies.

What's your blog about?

I write about anything random that passes through my head from the perspective of a bored stay-at-home-mom. I don’t always find being a mom easy, so I often write about my struggles to be content with the choice we made to have a child. Some days I write gushing posts about how much I love our daughter and other days I write about my desire to break free from it all. Besides all of the mommy-related angst, I’ve written a few posts about travel. I used to work on a cruise ship, so I have a lot to say about all the places I have been. I haven’t written much about this lately, but I really should because I have a lot to share. I’m also a budding photographer, so I’ve started posting a few of my photos too. They’re average, but I love getting positive feedback from both of my loyal readers. When I have nothing important to say I write about Oprah and cheese.

Have you met, networked, been inspired by any blog/bloggers?

Before I started my blog I’d read maybe two or three blogs in my entire life. I had no idea there was such a huge community of like-minded people for me to connect with. I’m constantly inspired by other bloggers, particularly when I’m struggling with a frustration in my life and I write about it on my blog. The comments and support I am showered with truly uplifts my spirit. Blogging it out is incredibly rewarding and a heck of a lot cheaper than therapy.

What does blogging do for you?

As I touched on above, blogging provides me with some excellent emotional support. I can honestly say that I am much more content with my stay-at-home-mom status since starting my blog. Through connecting with other moms I have discovered I am not alone in my feelings and I have the support of others who can relate to what I am going through. Being a mom is certainly not the worst hardship a person can face, but it can be extremely challenging and isolating at times. Blogging allows me to get in touch with the outside world when I am stranded at home on a rainy day with a bored preschooler who is trying to suck the life out of me. I also use my blog as a tool for recording the fleeting moments of our daughter’s life. Without it, this stage of her life would probably be passing me by in a blur. Blogging gives me a reason to stop and take notice of the funny and interesting aspects of being a mom. No matter how mundane it may seem, if you’re looking for the positive there’s always something to appreciate. Blogging inspires me to seek out the good stuff in life so that, at the very least, I have something great to post about!

What's your take on kathie lee's line of questioning of dooce on the today show?

Heather Armstrong is, among other wonderful things, a wickedly funny and irreverent online writer. Kathie Lee is an idiotic dinosaur. ‘Nuff said.

You both [Angella and I] talk a lot about your kids on the blogs and post photos, any reservations on that?

I love writing about our daughter as a way of recording her life and the blog format works really well for me. Before I started blogging I was collecting tidbits of conversations and snippets of her days on slips of paper that I kept in a box. Sometimes I would forget to write the dates on the papers, sometimes I would loose a slip of paper, or sometimes my notes on the pages were so archaic or poorly scribbled that when it came time to revisit the information I had no idea what it meant. Blogging seemed like a good solution to this problem. I still have some reservations about writing about our daughter, but I try not to let my fears rule me. The super magnificent awesome Angella (dutchblitz) posts photos of her kids on her blog, but I choose not to. I just don’t feel comfortable with it. I sometimes post photos of our daughter’s hands doing crafts but that’s as far as I’ll go. She has incredibly sweet hands.

Any off limit subjects?

As I said above, I don’t post photos of our daughter. I also choose not to write negative things about people in my life. I don’t always have a perfect relationship with my husband or my mother, but I don’t write about these things because I have too much respect to insult them by airing our dirty laundry for the world to read. If I write something negative, it’s about me and my own issues.

Are you getting rich off your blog?

If, by rich, you mean I’ve connected with some wonderful people from around the globe who, without my blog I would never have had the chance to meet and be praised and supported by? Then yes, I’m getting rich off my blog. But if, by rich, you mean am I earning lots of beautiful, useful, crisp cash-money? Then unfortunately, sadly and pathetically the answer is no. I don’t advertise on my blog, but if Lucky Brand Jeans wants to pay me for all the links I’ve posted they should give me a call. I often write about how fabulous their product makes my derrière look. That dude from Dyson with the British accent owes me a few bucks as well. I’ve also been thinking about setting up a PayPal account so people can donate to my yearly trip to Hawaii fund. I’d even be willing to run free ads for the Hawaiian Tourism Board in exchange for a plane ticket to Kauai and free accommodations if they asked. I’d sell out for some sunshine in a heartbeat.

Thanks Buzz! This was fun.

---------------------------

Now go read the article on Page 12. Click here to reach it. It's a PDF, so it won't work if you don't have a PDF reader. You can always read it on Buzz's blog if the PDF doesn't work for you. Be sure to pop over here and say hi to Buzz anyway. And thank him for making your good buddy Carolyn feel so cool this week!

art. and rope.

2008-05-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

"A work of art is good if it has grown out of necessity." - Letters to a Young Poet, Rilke

Thanks for the excellent quote Jennifer. And hang in there. More rope is in the mail. xo

punk rock mommy rocks.

2008-05-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the chance to post much this weekend. We've been busy cleaning decks, attending birthday parties and eating cheese. I thought about writing some silly post about how I was too busy being The Best Mommy to win any awards for being The Best Mommy Blogger, but I'll tell you what. I'm not going to write that post because that post was going to be filled with all sorts of Vote for Me crap in order to win a ~~prizeless~~ priceless award that would only serve the purpose of boosting my fragile ego.

Instead of not going writing that post, I'm going to write this post:

I've had the chance to check out some of my competition for the Best of Blogs award and quite frankly, I don't want to win the Best Mommy Blog award. I don't like how dirty I feel promoting myself because all of the other mommy bloggers are fantastic and I'd be proud to "lose" to any of them.

In particular, I would like to draw your attention to one of my fellow Top 10 Best Mommy Blog finalists - Andrea Collins Smith's Great Cancer Swindle blog called Punk Rock Mommy. The purpose of the site, in the words of Andrea's friends and family, is to "... follow Andrea’s story as she continues to be a wife and mother of six while battling Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC). We hope that this story will inform, inspire and encourage the so many people who know (or want to know) Andrea and her family. We are all in this together. Peace to you."

I won't even say something stupid and insensitive like "how can I compete with that" because this is definitely not about competition. On Andrea's blog you will find hope and courage and strength and beauty and humour. On mine you will find nonsense. I haven't had the chance to explore Andrea's blog too deeply yet, but the tattoos and the punk rock attitude make me pretty sure she's the type of gal who faces her cancer awfulness by kicking ass and taking names. And quite frankly, it makes my angsty mommy whining make me feel like a complete jerk. I'm not sure I would be so strong in the face of something so heart wrenchingly difficult. But instead of beating myself up about it, I like to throw some love and support towards a courageous woman who is, like so many women, battling to save her own life while still trying to raise and support children of her own.

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and reminds me how important it is to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with in my life, including my health. I admire Andrea, and other women like her, immensely.

So instead of voting for me over at the Best of Blogs, please throw your votes Andrea's way. I say this with no disrespect towards the other finalists in this category. You're all wonderful too, but Andrea's story has touched my heart. Plus, I promise Csilla won't cry if I don't win.

Furthermore, please stop by Punk Rock Mommy and send her all the love and support you possibly can and please keep Andrea and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Thanks, eh. Much love,

Carolyn

just thought you should know.

2008-05-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

Our deck is now clean and I like Camembert cheese.

my tweet.

2008-05-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

We rented a power washer today. Super exciting awesome. No time to blog. Just a quick post to say hi to all my new ~~commenters. (Commentors?)~~ commentators (Ciara's right) I'll be sure to stop by for a visit at your blog soon!

And remember. Vote for me or Csilla will cry:

[Edit - It seems the ballot is on some sort of a timer because you can only vote once per day (after 24 hours has passed). Just keep trying! Only a few more votes and I'll take the lead. Booyah! Look out Family Affairs, I'm comin' for ya.]

beauty high.

2008-05-16T12:38:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday I dropped Csilla off at preschool and went for a walk with my camera. It was amazing. Photography is becoming an ever increasing passion of mine. As I learn more technically, I am getting better at capturing the ideas I have in my head on film. (Well, digitally, but you know what I mean.)

For two hours I wandered around the neighbourhood surrounding Csilla's preschool with absolutely no agenda except to observe beauty. All I did was walk and look. I took a step. And looked. Took a step. And observed. I sought out beauty.

It has been a very long time since I enjoyed two hours with such a simple purpose. I consciously searched for things that made my creative heart sing. I searched for colour. Light. Shade. Soft. Hard. Fresh. Worn. Simple. Complex.

And then I took photos of it all.

As you know, I've written just a little bit (hardi har har) about my search for The Happy Girl and my desire to figure out what makes me come alive. Well let me tell you. Give a cheer because as I was walking around observing beauty, I felt completely and totally alive.

I actually felt happy.

Hip hip hooray!

It truly got me excited. I haven't felt exactly like that in a long, long while.

And since this was such a wonderful day for me, I thought I'd share the fruits of my photographic labour. Below is a sampling of the beauty I found on Wednesday. I'm still a novice photographer, but I'm studying and learning and trying to get better.

As far as photography conditions were concerned, the day could not have been more perfect. It had been raining all morning, but immediately after I dropped Csilla off and stepped into the neighbourhood, the rain stopped. It was slightly overcast, but still very bright, which meant that everything was dappled with beautiful rain drops and yet there was no harsh sunlight to cover all the dark spaces in shadows. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I didn't use a tripod and everything was done on auto focus; two facts which surprised my über-talented photographer father. I did make a slight vibrancy adjustment in my camera and I'm thrilled with the results. I feel I captured the rich, bright colours I saw on Wednesday perfectly.

After two hours of walking and snapping I was on a beauty high. I loved it.

Today is another gorgeous day and the beauty high hasn't subsided, so I thought I'd share a love list with you to accompany my photos (be sure to click them for a larger view, I think the details are worth a click).

Here, in no particular order, are a bunch of things I am loving right now:

1. Csilla. I seem to be enjoying her so much more lately. She has relaxed the grip on my apron strings ever so slightly and has taken to playing independently for short spurts. It's given me some much needed head space and some new found energy. Not to mention she is SO cute, just like this little friend I encountered on my walk...

2. I'm also loving that Csilla's vitamins smell exactly like the chewable Flintstone vitamins I took as a child. I love it when my scent memory takes me to a happy place; just like this flower, which smelled of fresh rain and wet grass...

3. I love sitting on the patio as Csilla plays happily with a bucket of water and a mixing spoon, while I enjoy the beauty of vibrant green plants like this in my mom's garden...

4. I love warm air. Finally! And wet moss...

5. I love when Csilla says am't instead of am not and neveryday as the opposite of everyday. And, well, this flower doesn't relate to that, but it's gorgeous just like Csilla...

6. I love the adorable new sunhat that Nana bought for Csilla, which is the same colour as these sweet little flowers...

7. I love emails from friends riding buses in New York, which brightens my day just like these flowers...

8. I love doing a simple favour for a very appreciative friend who brought me flowers from her garden to thank me (not tulips, they were camellias, but I didn't take any photos of camellias)...

9. I love supportive blogging friends who encourage my new ideas. Anybody would be green with envy to have friends like mine...

10. I love blogging for myself. And (unrelated) I love the way the colur of this Japanese Maple provides a gorgeous backdrop for this tulip...

11. I love Csilla's plumber's butt. ~~And the crack in this tulip~~ And the deep, rich colour of this tulip which really makes me feel alive...

12. I love birds that chirp so happily it must mean they are as thrilled as I am with the arrival of Spring. Their songs sound as bright as this tulip looks...

13. I love contemplating a trip to Hungary and France this summer. Look at me making plans! I hope they don't wilt...

14. I love tax returns that make #13 possible. And, well, this is not about taxes, but it's just lovely...

15. I love listening to Csilla talk to butterflies in the garden; just like I was talking to this friend when we met...

16. I love Csilla's hair in piggy tails; all wrapped up in cute little bows the colour of these flowers...

17. I love finally not needing to turn on the fireplace in May because the sun is shining and it's actually warm enough outside for these to grow...

18. I love having the time to spend two hours simply observing beauty. Ooops better run. It's ten after one and Csilla's class is finished in twenty minutes...

Wasn't that fun? Thanks for taking a walk with me. And yippee! Look at me... taking pictures and making plans!

And here's where I throw down the gauntlet. I would love to see some photos of things you think are beautiful. Instead of PhotoHunt, I'll call it BeautyHunt! Please post some beautiful things on your blogs and let me know when you do.

Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

would it be so wrong...

2008-05-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

... to just nibble a little piece out of Csilla's adorable sweet chubby little thigh? Either left or right. It doesn't matter. I wouldn't eat a lot. I promise. Just a small bite.

I'm seriously tempted the eat my little doll sometimes. Especially her chubby little thighs. And most especially after she says something like this or this:

MAMA: I could just gobble you all up!
CSILLA: No! You can't Mama. I'm not very tasty.

Are there any other moms out there who sympathize with me just a little bit? And if so, will Csilla ever grow out of being so edible? I'm starting to worry about myself...

not an old bag.

2008-05-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to qualify something I wrote about in my last post. I poked fun at menopausaloldbag for not "actually" nominating me for the best of blogs awards. For the record (and in case my sarcasm wasn't obvious) I know that she did nominate me but her nomination got lost somewhere in the bloggisphere. MOB is a wickedly funny lady whom I believe has a very thick skin. I'm sure she not only handles my ribbings, but perhaps even enjoys them.

And for the record, MOB is definitely menopausal, but she is certainly not an old bag!

Thanks those of you who have already voted! And click here if you haven't:

holy crap. vote for me!!

2008-05-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! Excited excited excited.

A while back menopausaloldbag "nominated" me for the Best of Blogs awards and out of hundreds of nominees for Best Mommy Blog, I actually made the cut. Okay, it wasn't hundreds, it was more like 54 and I actually nominated myself*, but that's beside the point. I am now a Top Ten finalist. Did I mention I'm excited?

There's no prize for winning, just a much needed and massive ego boost for me, so vote now and vote often! You can find my category here: Best Mommy Blog.

And while you're at it, be sure to stop by and vote for the hilariously irreverent menopausaloldbag who "nominated" me. She's up for Funniest Blog.

And how's this for more proof that I have great taste? Another one of my daily reads, Big Blue Barn West is up for Best Inspirational Blog, so please vote for the amazingly inspiring Aims too.

Like I said, there's no prize, but it sure would mean a lot to me to win. Yippee for much needed validation.

Gotta run. Csilla needs me to wipe her bum. Thanks everybody!

---------------------------
* MOB claims to have "nominated" me, but it seems her post didn't go through, so I nominated myself.

more csilla goodness.

2008-05-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

In light of my goal of recording more "scrapbookable moments" on my blog, here's another quick post featuring more tidbits of Csilla goodness. Most of this is probably only funny or cute to me, but what the heck:

It took us a while, but I have finally figured out why everything is a "Loaf" to Csilla. In the last month she has asked for a Loaf of Salad Dressing, a Loaf of Toilet Paper, a Loaf of Milk and a Loaf of Strawberries. When she finally said something about her toys and how she had a whole "Loaf" of these, I figured out that what she'd meant to say all along was "Load". Although I'm a bit frightened as to why she needs a "Load of Toilet Paper". Er, Csilla? We need to talk. And despite figuring out that Loaf=Load, I'm not quite sure what she meant when she asked me to "Loaf Up" her socks while I was folding laundry. Weird.

Something else that falls under the word substitution heading for Csilla is Of=If. Balazs and I just love it when she says sentences like this: "Of you need my help, I'll be in my bedroom" or, "I love ice cream, but only of it's chocolate." Balazs and I think it's so cute that we've started copying her on this one. It's going to be a little awkward when a stranger overhears us at the grocery store saying, "Honey, of you need me, I'll be grabbing some ice cream" and the other replies, "Okay. I love ice cream, but only of it's chocolate." Silly us.

Something else? Today I gave Csilla one of our old computer keyboards to play with in her bedroom. She wanted to pretend she was at the office like daddy. While she was playing, I passed by her room while ~~doing some housework~~ eating bon-bons and I could see that she was pulling the keys off the keyboard. I didn't care because it's old and useless, but she obviously thought she was doing something wrong, because she jumped right up after I passed and slammed her door shut. Already this kid is learning to hide her crimes. Great.

And one more thing. Csilla has a problem with Balazs and I showing affection for one another. She hates it when we kiss or hug. This is either because she doesn't like to be left out (and of course we always welcome a family hug so she can join in any time) or she hates to share Mama. She thinks she's the only one who is allowed to hug and kiss me. So the other night when Balazs walked up to me at the dinner table and leaned over to give me a kiss on the shoulder, Csilla blurted out, very loudly, "Kiss your own body daddy!"

That kid is too funny.

---------------------------
ps - Can you tell Nana is home today? I'm having a little blogging frenzy!

overheard.

2008-05-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

Continuing on the Mother's Day (Week) theme of all things cute and funny about little miss Csilla, I thought I'd share some conversations with her that I've jotted down in the last little while:

MAMA: Csilla, sweetie, mama has some ~~blogging to do~~ work to do, please play by yourself for a while.
CSILLA: But it's not fun without you Mama.
MAMA: But honey, it's okay to entertain yourself once in a while.
CSILLA: No! It's not fun.
MAMA: Well, you'll just have to make your own fun.
CSILLA: No! I won't!
(A little later that day...)
MAMA: (To Nana as she takes Csilla out, leaving Mama home alone for the first time in a month) Wow. I'm not going to know what to do with myself.
CSILLA: You'll just have to make your own fun Mama! (mar20)

MAMA: Csilla, it's time for bed.
CSILLA: I wish I was an owl, so I could stay up all night and sleep all day.
(Er. Thank God you're not!) (mar21)

CSILLA: Mama! (Whine) I hurt my ankle. (She didn't really).
MAMA: I'm sorry honey. Are you alright?
CSILLA: Nooo. I hurt myself. What does that mean? (Implying she wants a treat of some kind).
MAMA: (Joking) That means suck it up kid.
CSILLA: But I'm not a vacuum cleaner! I can't suck up anything. (mar22)

CSILLA: (During her Easter egg hunt) This is the best Easter ever!
(Finds another egg.)
CSILLA: This is the best Easter ever!
(Finds another egg.)
CSILLA: This is the best Easter ever!
(Awwwwww!) (mar23)

MAMA: (Talking to Balazs, believing Csilla is out of earshot) I'm not sure what we're doing wrong with our child that she won't play with her toys.
CSILLA: Maybe you have the wrong child!
(Ooops. Watch as Mama feels like a complete jerk.) (apr1)

CSILLA: Can we get a pet?
MAMA: I don't think so honey. Mama's really allergic to cats and a dog is too much responsibility.
CSILLA: But I'm reaaaaallly reponsible (not a typo). Reponsible Mama!
MAMA: I know sweetie, you're very responsible.
CSILLA: I know I am! I can go to the pet store and buy food and stuff! Please? A dog?
MAMA: I'm sorry honey, but no. Mama gets kind of itchy sneezy with dogs too.
CSILLA: But if I feed them then they won't come to you mama. They'll only come to me! (mar25)

MAMA: You said you weren't tired, but I just saw a yawn.
CSILLA: That wasn't a yawn mama, I was just exercising my mouth. (apr18)

MAMA: Csilla, it's bedtime. We're not reading another book now. It's too late.
CSILLA: Fine! I'm just going to read these books all by myself (as she slams the door to her bedroom). Buh-bye!
(I swear I don't let my three-year-old watch SNL. Honest.) (apr18)

me? good.

2008-05-11T23:08:00.001-07:00

Today was Mother's Day and it was wonderful. The wonderfulness of it actually started yesterday when Balazs took Csilla out to the store - which was a complete bonus in and of itself. When they got home, Csilla was very excited. Apparently they had purchased a Mother's Day gift for me because Csilla could not contain herself and spilled the beans shortly after walking in the door. Before her shoes were even off, a wiggly giggling Csilla was jumping up and down in excitement and blurted out:

"Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! We bought you a present! We bought you a present!"

And just as she was about to open her mouth and tell me what it was, I stopped her to ask if maybe it was a secret? That maybe Daddy didn't want her to tell me right away? Perhaps? To which she replied:

"Yes Mama. Yes. It's (whispers) a secret. I'm not supposed to tell you (yells) we bought ICE CREAM!!!"

This kid is too funny. She then proceeded to run around the house yelling ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream until she got dizzy and fell down. Our daughter, if you didn't already know, loves ice cream. Loves it. If you'll all remember this, I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

Moments after Csilla's ice cream announcement, Balazs walked in from the garage and commented on my Mother's Day gift and how hilarious it was that Csilla just couldn't keep the ice cream a secret. We both know she's only three, so her lack of secret keeping abilities is not a surprise, but what we find so funny is her single-mindedness when it comes to treats.

Around here we call it Six Degrees of Treats. Csilla will always find the shortest route in any conversation to have the discussion end in treats. Always.

I'll give you an example. The other day Csilla and I made banana bread together. It's a relatively wholesome snack (the way I make it), but she considers it a treat because I sprinkle a handful of chocolate chips into the mix. When it's on the counter, she'll do anything to get more than her fair share of slices and it usually remains her focus for the day (or two) until it has all been eaten. Anything she can do to position herself on the receiving end of a slice is ultimately her goal.

On this particular day, with a partially eaten loaf of banana bread on the counter, Csilla lost one of her precious stuffed friends (see sidebar for an example) and when questioned as to it's whereabouts, Csilla immediately answered as follows: "Well... um... I think I last saaaaw her... um... Mama? I think it was when we were making banana bread?"

Notice she responded in the form of a question. She wasn't telling me where she thought her stuffed friend was, she was asking me for another piece of banana bread. I've met her before. I know her code. Merely mentioning the banana bread, regardless of its context, is code for "I want some".

Csilla's Six Degrees of Treats will pop up at the strangest times too. We could be talking about pebbles in the garden and somehow Csilla will find a way to say, in a very explanatory manner like a professor teaching a class, "Don't you think pebbles are very round and smooth? Their shape is very round and smooth. And if they were smaller. Say, just very tiny tiny tiny, then they would be just like M&Ms, wouldn't they Mama?"

Again, the mere mention of M&Ms, in any context, is code for "I want some". I know this kid. I've met her before.

Sometimes Csilla's Six Degrees of Treats will be disguised as extremely courteous behaviour. To the uninitiated, it might even seem very selfless and kind, but I know better.

Yesterday Uncle Gordie and Auntie Janny came over for dinner. They brought with them a bag of Bits & Bites; a treat we never buy and therefore Csilla has never experienced. Before dinner, Uncle Gordie shared a few with her. Of course, Csilla loved them. The only thing as powerful as Csilla's sweet tooth is her penchant for salt. She was permitted a few nibbles of Bits & Bites before dinner, but when dinner was served, the Bits & Bites were put to the side, yet still within Csilla's view.

When Daddy arrived at the dinner table, Csilla very kindly and graciously and politely asked Daddy, "Would you like some Bits & Bites, Daddy?" To which he quickly replied, "No thanks, we're about to eat dinner."

Seeing she was getting nowhere with him, Csilla quickly turned and asked me if I would like some. But, like I said, I've met this kid before. I looked at Csilla and said, "I think what you're really asking is if you can have some, right?"

Sheepishly she looked at me and nodded.

"We don't eat Bits & Bites for dinner honey, but good try," I said and blew her a kiss. Poor kid. A mama who won't let her eat crap instead of her dinner. Auntie Janny had a good laugh at this because apparently Csilla had offered her numerous servings of Bits & Bites without Janny cluing in to Csilla's ulterior motives. Oh, and in case you're keeping score, Csilla has tried this generosity trick before.

But I completely and totally digress. I was writing about my Mother's Day, wasn't I?

Before I started writing about Csilla's Six Degrees of Treats I was talking about Mother's Day and ice cream. The wonderfulness started yesterday when my husband and delightful daughter brought some super-deluxe-expensive-organic-vanilla-chocolate-chip ice cream home for me as a Mother's Day gift, complete with a juicy box of beautiful ripe organic strawberries that smelled heavenly.

Balazs told me he considered bringing home flowers, but figured I'd appreciate the ice cream more. He was right. Apparently, he has met me before!

(And in case your mouth didn't water enough the first time I linked this post, I'll remind you. I love ice cream and strawberries. See here? Hmmmm. Maybe Balazs reads my blog after all...)

Anyway, despite the fact that it was not yet Mother's Day, Csilla twisted my rubber arm and I served up a couple of bowls of ice cream, which we enjoyed together, all while giving each other giggly goopy ice creamy smooches. I must say. That kid gets more and more delightful every day. She's getting seriously cute. I almost can't stand it.

This morning, as with most Sunday mornings, Balazs got up with Csilla and I was permitted to sleep in until I couldn't sleep any more. Brilliant and perfect. I couldn't ask for a better start to my day.

My afternoon was spent hanging out on our sunny deck where I was permitted to read a book for almost the entire afternoon without having attend to any of Csilla's needs. It was outrageously decadent. Balazs looked after everything. That guy deserves a gold star.

In the late afternoon, my mom and I hung out in her kitchen while I finished knitting another adorable baby hat for a friend and my mom cooked one of my favourite meals. (I know, it was her Mother's Day too so she shouldn't have been cooking, but my mom loves to cook a nice meal so long as she has company while she's doing it. We had a lovely time talking about her recent trip to France while she sliced and diced. My mom is an awesome cook and the meal was divine.)

The rest of my Mother's Day was spent getting Csilla to bed and a little bit of blogging. All in all, a wonderful day.

How about you? Did you have a nice day? Mother's or otherwise? Hope so!

what makes you come alive?

2008-05-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Harold Thuman Whitman

Tell me. I really want to know. What makes you come alive? Do you know? When did you know? Leave me a comment, send me an email or write it on your own blog. I'm interested in what makes people feel their best. When do you feel most alive?

on how much i love you and scoring more goals.

2008-05-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Csilla,

Every night since you were born I have held you safely in my arms for a quiet snuggle before bed. In these precious moments, with you nuzzled close to my heart, my mind often wanders to all of the things I want to tell you and all of the advice I have for you that I fear will go unsaid in the future when life gets busy and other seemingly more important activities get in the way. As you gently fall asleep in my lap, I think about the lessons I learned as a child that have held great importance in my life; and other lessons that I am still trying to learn, but wished I had embarked upon understanding sooner. I want to teach you these things, but since you are only three, I figure now is not the time for such grand concepts and discussions.

And so I have decided to write you some letters. This is the first one and I am writing it in honour of my third perfect and wonderful Mother’s Day with you in my life. I hope I will find the time and the wisdom to write many more of these letters on a variety of subjects in the future, but this is the first one, and in it I wish to address two topics:

First, the immeasurable love I feel for you; and second, a lesson taught to me by my own mother, which has served me well in life.

On the subject of loving you, what I feel cannot adequately be put into words. Anything I try to write sounds trite and insignificant because there is truly no vocabulary in my arsenal that effectively describes the power of my admiration and adoration for you already. At three years old, you are more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I hope that as the years pass, you will truly feel my love deep within your heart as something expressed through my soul. It should need no words. You will know it through my actions and the way I look at you when you enter a room. You will know how I feel because my eyes will light up and my heart will draw towards you. You will feel my love because it is palpable and profound. The very core of your being will know my willingness and my ability to walk to the ends of the earth to love you and support you in achieving your dreams.

My desire is that you will grow into a compassionate, kind and loving human being. As long as these three virtues are always at the center of your intentions, you will never falter in my eyes or in my heart. When life furnishes you with struggle or sadness, I will love you and sustain you. As a mother, I hope I can find the strength and confidence I need to separate myself from your individuality and resist the temptation to shape you into the vision I have for you. I wish for the courage to give you both the freedom and the wings you need to forge your own identity. You are beautiful and perfect and splendid just the way you are. Nothing I can say about you or to you should ever call that into question. And when the teenage years come along, I’m sure we will have our differences but remember the truth in something I have said to you every night since you were born:

I love you all the way to the moon and back.

And I do.

But now that you are three, when I tell you that I love you all the way to the moon and back, you have decided it’s too far and that you’d need a rocket ship to get there. So with that in mind, please let my strength and my love be your rocket ship in life and know that you can attain whatever it is you wish for because my love is powerful enough to take you there.

My dearest Csilla. It really and truly is.

And now for a lesson about determination and perseverance as taught to me by your Nana when I was a little girl…

Growing up in Ontario, I loved to play soccer. All summer long I thrived on the camaraderie, the fun and the half-time oranges of the game. Your Nana was (and still is) the most amazing organizer and as such, she acted as the manager for most of the soccer teams I ever played on. When I first started soccer I played on “house league” teams, which meant we only played against other teams from the same community we lived in. But when I got a little older, maybe 7 or 8, I began playing on a “traveling team”, which meant we played against other teams from neighboring communities. We played on different fields, against girls we did not know or recognize and with linesmen and referees who were unfamiliar to us.

On one particular occasion I remember traveling to the neighbouring town of Richmond Hill. Almost thirty years later, I can still picture the field we played on exactly. It was surrounded on the two short ends of the field by trees and sat at the bottom of a small embankment. It was beautifully kept and we were excited to play there. When the first whistle blew at the start of the game we had high hopes for victory. Our team was good; we had practiced hard and we were prepared. We knew all our moves, we passed effectively and we were skilled at working as a team in order to get the ball down the field and into the back of the opposing team’s net.

What we weren’t prepared for that day was that life isn’t fair sometimes. It’s the first time in my entire life I remember encountering something that felt completely and totally unjust.

The referee was a “homer”.

By that I mean he didn’t referee the game fairly. He knew the local girls; he wanted them to win and he called the match accordingly. Within the first few minutes of the game, Richmond Hill had more penalty kicks, offsides and out-of-bound balls called in their favour than would normally occur in an entire game.

As 7 and 8-year-old little girls, our team was completely and utterly dejected. We felt like we could do nothing right. How could we possibly win the game when the referee was so obviously unfair in his judgment of the play on the field? It seemed too much to bear and by half time, most of us were in tears. We were down a couple of goals and wanted to give up right then and go home.

And that’s when, dear Csilla, your wonderful sweet Nana stepped up to the plate and delivered the best pep talk of her soccer managing career. Do you know what she told us that day on the pretty field in Richmond Hill when a team of teary-eyed little girls looked up at her and said what can we do? How can we possibly win?

Your Nana said three simple words that have stuck with me for my entire life and they were:

SCORE. MORE. GOALS.

That’s it. That’s all she said.

Score more goals.

It was that simple. Because the absolute fact of the matter was that the referee could make all the poor calls he wanted to, but if, at the end of the game, we had put the ball into the back of our opponent’s net more times than they had scored on us, well, then we would win the game.

And so we did. We scored more goals. We just kept hammering away at it until we put more points on the board than the other team. It didn’t matter how many goals the referee reversed, or how many penalty kicks he gave the home team, we still scored more goals and so we still won the game.

And that’s the lesson I learned that day from your Nana. In life sometimes you just have to score more goals. Now this isn’t advice about Getting More, or Wanting More, it’s a lesson about Being More. When someone tries to knock you down or acts unfair, it is up to you to rise above it and succeed anyway.

In life you will encounter plenty of people who will treat you unfairly or try and get in your way or want to stop you from achieving you goals, but it is up to you, and you alone (or with my help, which will always be available if you want it) to persevere and succeed in spite of them. Not to spite them, but in spite of them. This distinction is important. The lesson here is about not about malice, it’s about excellence.

To win in an unjust situation like this requires two things:

First, you must be determined. You must focus your energy and efforts on your task and stick with it until it is finished. Determination is using your willpower to do something when it isn't easy. You are determined to meet your goals even when it is hard or you are being tested. With determination you can make your dreams come true.

Second, you must persevere. You must be steadfast by committing to your goals and overcoming obstacles, no matter how long it takes. When you persevere, you don't give up. You keep going. You must be stubborn and resolute in your desire to achieve your dreams. The things you aspire to will not always be handed over easily. If you really want something you must be unyielding in your pursuit regardless of fear or frustration or insecurities. Perseverance can be found inside your heart and mind if want something badly enough. And when you run out of your own, look to me to supply it, for I am your Mother and I will support you unwaveringly.

There’s a movie called The Pursuit of Happyness that contains a scene I just love. A father and his young son stand together discussing the hardships they currently face in their life and the father says to the son,

“Don't ever let somebody tell you that you can't do something. Not even me. All right?”

The son says, “all right,” then the father continues. He says,

“You got a dream? You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.”

And that is the truth my dear, sweet Csilla. In life, if you want something, go get it. Period. Despite anything I might ever say to the contrary. So long as compassion, kindness and love are at the heart of your intentions, I will believe in your dreams, even if I don’t always see them as clearly as you do.

Be determined. Persevere. And know that I love you...

... all the way to the moon and back. It’s so far you’d need a rocket ship to get there.

Love, Mama

the virtues project.

2008-05-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

This is my fourth post in less than 24 hours, but my mom is out and Balazs took Csilla to the store, so I have the house to myself. It's quiet and my thoughts are flowing. Plus it's raining, so I'm taking full advantage of this time inside to really dive into some weighty stuff in the hopes of understanding myself better. How exciting.

All of your comments on my last few posts have got me so inspired! It's truly energizing and exciting to hear all of your thoughtful words of wisdom and kindness. I've been working on a post for Mother's Day and while I was writing it, I remembered a web site I had stumbled upon about a year ago and wanted to share it with all of you. It's called the The Virtues Project and it think it's just amazing. Have a visit and you'll see what I mean.

I love the idea of cultivating virtues in ourselves and others. When describing The Five Strategies of The Virtues Project here, this sentence really jumped out at me:

"By being deeply present and listening with compassion and detachment, we help others 'to empty their cup'."

The way in which your recent words of support and compassion in my comments have uplifted me is a perfect example of this. Thank you for allowing me to "Empty My Cup". If you have time, visit this page, which lists 52 virtues that ideally all individuals would posses. It's like a checklist for being and doing better in our lives.

A quote I found on the web site by Lao Tsu sums it up the importance of virtues perfectly:

"Cultivate Virtue in yourself, and Virtue will be real.
Cultivate Virtue in the family, and Virtue will flourish.
Cultivate Virtue in the village, and Virtue will be abundant.
Cultivate Virtue in the world, and Virtue will triumph everywhere."

That Lao Tsu was one smart dude, don't you think?

Another important and interesting distinction I found on The Virtues Project site was this explanation of Virtues vs. Values:

"Virtues are simpler than values. Virtues are the qualities of our character. Values are whatever we consider important. We can value anything from money and power to the Golden Rule. Values are culture-specific, while virtues such as courage, honor, justice, and love are the common elements of character and spirituality universally valued by all cultures. We may practice them differently from one culture to another but we all value them."

Interestingly, the more I search around The Virtues Project site, the more interested I become. I just discovered that their curriculum is used by The British Columbia Teacher's Federation, The Faculty of Education at UBC and the Vancouver School Board. All local stuff for me. I love it.

Anyway, I should really get back to the business of writing my Mother's Day post, but I really wanted to say thank you and share something wonderful with you all.

Peace.

what makes you come alive?

2008-05-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

Note - In my last post I said the pity party was over, but here's another angsty rant I wrote about a week ago. I didn't post it right away because I feel like I do a lot of complaining here on my blog. I also feel like a complete jerk when I complain about my life because there are other people out there with real problems and hardships and painful memories that make my life look utterly perfect. But what the hell. I started this blog to purge all this stuff so I wouldn't spew frustration and misery all over my family. I'm happy to say that since I started writing this blog all of the relationships in my life have significantly improved. I feel happier and more fulfilled than I have in a long time. If writing daily complaints on my blog helps with this, then so be it. Furthermore, this post deals with my Quote of the Day (to the right on my sidebar). I'd like to change it, but I was holding myself to some silly promise that I wouldn't change it until I'd analysed it's contents. What has prompted me to finally post this rant was a great quote left by Jennifer in one of my comments today which said:

"A work of art is good if it has grown out of necessity." -Letters to a Young Poet, Rilke

I love great quotes and I want to post this in my Quote of the Day, so I must move on with my angsty rant. Here it is:

A while back I wrote a post about Elizabeth Gilbert and how she said a bunch of things that got me thinking about a bunch of things. At the end of the post about the bunch of things she said, I said I would proceed to examine a couple of things in my life that related to the bunch of things she said. In particular the things she said as they related to my happiness.

And if you understood any of that, congratulations, you passed the test. That was the hardest part.

So here I am, back at examining those things.

I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing about this, but I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m not happy right now. I know a lot of it has to do with stagnation. I’m not proceeding forward. I’m asleep at the wheel of my life. I’m not making plans.

And it’s frustrating. I'm frustrated. In fact, I'm more frustrated than I am unhappy. Luckily I’m not as bad as I was a few months ago (pre-blogging, or PB) but I still feel frustrated or angry about my life on a regular basis. Or, even worse, I feel apathetic. Indifferent. I can’t be bothered to make a change because I really have nowhere to go. I’m stuck. And sometimes I’m not sure I care to get myself unstuck.

There’s something about the word indifference reminds me of a phrase I absolutely hate:

“Suit yourself.”

I’ll never forget the first time anyone said this to me. It was a guy. A guy I had dated for an entire summer. At the end of the summer I was leaving on a trip to Europe and the impending trip left our relationship in limbo. It wasn’t a super-serious relationship, so I wasn’t too sure where we would stand when I got home again. The night before I left to get on the plane, the guy and I spoke on the phone. I quite liked him and hoped he would say something about looking forward to seeing me when I returned, but instead, when I asked him if I should call in six weeks he said, “suit yourself.”

I was gutted. I would rather have had him say, “No. Please don’t call me because you’re stinky and kissing you reminds me of kissing my grandmother.” But instead he said, “suit yourself.”

In other words, whatever. You leave no impression on me whatsoever, so I really don’t care what you do. How much does that suck?

Well, that’s how I feel about my life right now. I feel like I am leaving no impression whatsoever. I feel like my life is talking to me over the phone and if I asked it whether or not I should get out of bed tomorrow and take on the world or if I should mope around all day in a state of apathy, my life would say, “suit yourself.”

Whatever. I don’t care if you do or if you don’t.

But shouldn’t I be making an impact? Shouldn’t I be leaving an impression? My psychologist always told me that we should banish the word “should” from our language because there is too much guilt involved when we say it. "Should" implies duty instead of inspiration. So maybe I "should" turn those questions into declarative statements: I want to make an impact! I want to leave an impression!

But how? How now brown cow? And did you notice I still said should, even when I didn’t want to?

I keep telling myself that the life of a stay-at-home-mom is not full of the same go-go-go that my life used to be. And I’m desperately trying to be okay with that. But I’m panicked. I feel like there is so much more out there for me to do and say and write and read and see and think and yet here I am sitting in my house, stagnating. Sitting on the sidelines. Avoiding life. Or maybe life is avoiding me.

Whatever it is, this upsets and frustrates me. I want to be okay with waiting out this part of my life, that I chose, until the next big adventure starts. I don’t know why, given my vivid imagination, that I have such a hard time imagining or embracing the idea that I’ll have to wait until Csilla is much older before I have the freedom to take on anything new or exciting. I’m extremely impatient. I don’t want to wait.

Do you ever have this idea that you are meant for something more? I’ve always had these larger than life ideas of myself. Delusions of grandeur so-to-speak. I call it the "The-Oprah-Syndrome". I think so highly of myself that I imagine sitting on the set of Oprah being interviewed by her about some amazing, human-consciousness-changing or life-altering thing that I’ve written, said or done. And I get panicked when I see my life passing by without ever making it onto her stage. Am I the only one who imagines that I belong on Oprah?

I’m speaking metaphorically of course. I don’t actually think I’ll ever be on Oprah. Or maybe I do. I guess I’m frustrated because I don’t know how or what I need to do in my life to become so extraordinary that I’d end up on Oprah. I have greatness in me. I know I do. I’ve seen glimmers of it in my life so I know it’s there.

My biggest fear in life is not living up to my own potential.

I am terrified of reaching the end of my life having wasted all of my gifts and talents on meaningless, immature or unimportant pursuits. And wouldn’t it be an especially painful tragedy if I ended up on Oprah for being pathetic? I can hear it now…

“Monday on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Pathetic people living apathetic lives… how not to end up like them.”

What do I do to avoid being the main event on that episode? But here’s the thing. I feel somewhat unwillingly trapped in my own apathy.

First off, I’m sitting in The Second Kid limbo. I don’t want to make any huge leaps because we’re trying to get pregnant and another baby would certainly put any grand plans on hold for a while. But even if we do have another child, I still want to get all my ducks in a row and figure out what my next move is.

Secondly, I have all sorts of ideas about what I want to do, but they all seem, well, too small. I’ve talked about this graphic design stuff, which I love, but when I get right down to it, I’m not sure such a career would have enough impact for me. It doesn’t feel significant enough. With all due respect to graphic designers, I feel like I’d be wasting myself if I did that for a living*. Furthermore, I am a people person and isolating myself in front of a computer all day would be a mistake.

This reminds me of a great analogy I once heard from a career advisor. She told me to write my name on a piece of paper. I did. I wrote with my right hand, because, well, I am right handed. Then she asked me to do it again, only this time, with my left hand. It was awkward. I felt clumsy and it looked ugly. The career advisor told me that if I wrote my name with my left hand for the next twenty years I would probably get good at it; that my writing might even look beautiful eventually. But it would never feel effortless. I would always feel like I was writing with the wrong hand. I was right handed and I should never fight it.

This is how I feel about being a people person. I could do a job that would require me to be isolated from people; and after twenty years I might even get good at it. But it would never feel natural. I would always feel like I was fighting to restrain a part of myself that must come out. I am a people person and should not work for a living at something that isolates me from that very fundamental part of my personality.

Moving on.

I’ve also toyed with the idea of getting into interior design, and although I would be interacting with people to do this job, I always come to the same conclusion. It feels too small. Wasn’t I meant for something more? How can I have real and lasting impact on the world while picking out paint colours for people? Again, with all due respect to people who choose those pursuits as professions, but what if I want a bigger life than that? Doesn’t it make me incredibly arrogant to think I deserve more? Who do I think I am?

And even if I did find some huge and meaningful way to impact the world, what would it look like? And how would it fit into my life? I should probably have an idea of what it looks like if I’m going to create it for myself.

I know I’m asking more questions than I’m answering right now, but this is part of my process. I guess.

And here’s the part where I return to something I wrote at the start of my post. The Elizabeth Gilbert thing. When I wrote about Elizabeth Gilbert before, I mentioned that there were perhaps some answers to these questions in my Quote of the Day. (You know, the one that hasn’t changed in over a month up there at the top of my sidebar.)

I told myself I wasn’t going to change my Quote of the Day until I’d had the chance to fully analyze its contents. Here’s the quote, in case the font in my sidebar is too small:

I’ve been letting ideas percolate on this quote for over a month now. What makes me come alive? What makes me come alive? What makes me come alive?

I often pose my brain questions and see if my subconscious can sort it out while I’m sleeping. Sometimes when I do this I find that answers will just pop into my head out of nowhere. My writing is like that too. When I’m scrapbooking I’ll often leave the journaling aspect of a page until the end and if it doesn’t come to me I’ll walk away for a day or two. I often find that the words I’d been so desperately trying to find just a few days before will often arrive in my head fully formed with little or no effort whatsoever.

That’s my subconscious. Doing the work for me.

I think déjà vu is all part of this too. When I experience déjà vu, I believe it represents my physical reality catching up to what my soul already knows. It’s as if my subconscious has already experienced my entire life and my physical self spends the rest of the time playing catch up. But every so often, my soul and my reality fall into sync and that’s when I experience déjà vu. My soul has seen this before and for a brief and fleeting moment I was in touch with my future self. I try and pay attention to moments of déjà vu in case there is some deep, important meaning hidden in the moment, but it’s usually too ethereal and fleeting to capture. Or, even worse, I don’t recognize it until it’s too late.

But, once in a while in moments of déjà vu I am able to snatch a piece of my future, shed some light on it and recognize that I am something special and amazing. In those moments I feel it.

This is why I feel so strongly that I was meant for something more. Because in quiet moments where my soul’s purpose is in alignment with my authentic self I feel it is true. There is greatness within me.

But what if I don’t recognize my own greatness until it’s too late?

Am I making any sense? I’m just working stuff out here… seeing where these rambling thoughts will lead me.

So I’ve been letting my brain work on this Whitman quote for a while now because I want to know what makes me come alive.

The conclusion?

I don't know. Or at least I'm not sure. I truly don’t know, concretely, what makes me come alive.

I'm very good at many things, but I’m not excellent at anything. I have hints of greatness, but I’ve never done anything truly great.

Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who knew what my passion was from deep within my soul. I have a friend who is an extraordinary actress. She’s won many prestigious awards in Canada for her work both on stage and on screen. Sometimes I feel jealous of her because her path is so clear. She knows what she wants and what she needs to do to get it. She knows – really knows – what makes her come alive. But her struggle is perhaps even more difficult than mine, because although she is amazing at what she does, she still has trouble making a living at it. Would I be even more frustrated to know what makes me come alive, but couldn’t actually be monumentally successful at it?

It seems like there isn't enough room for us all to be extraordinary. Even for the ones who actually are.

Meh. I know this isn't true and there's some quote about "scarcity" that would help me right now but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

I’m dodging around this issue. I still don’t know what makes me come alive.

It occurred to me that one way to get to the bottom of this question would be to examine some of the peak experiences in my life. I have a few things that stand out that I might want to look at, perhaps over a few short posts instead of one long and verbose ramble.

And in no particular order, here is a list of things that I am, or was, truly good at, or have a passion for, or which fall under the category of extraordinary peak experiences in my life. Some of these items represent times in my life where I was completely and totally myself; where I was in my element and hours could pass without me looking up because I was so completely and totally enjoying what I was doing that it felt effortless. I think there are some answers in these things.

This list of important-things-that-stick-out-in-my-mind won’t make much sense to you, but it makes sense to me. It’s for future reference as I explore them in posts to follow:

Rowing coxswain
Camp Malibu
Public speaking at William Armstrong
Leadership Award in high school
Drawing all day as a child
Anthropology/Linguistics at UBC
Scrapbooking
Screenwriting
Delivering toys to an orphanage
Travel
Customer service on the cruise ship
Art History and the Picasso Museum in Barcelona

That’s all I can think of for now. I may come back and add to this list later (not that anyone would notice because it’s not like anyone would read this stupidly long post twice!)

Hopefully in examining the contents of this list further, I might be able to really figure out what makes me tick and how I can best serve this world. I know I have so much to offer, I just don’t know how to offer it.

Moving on.

While I’m sorting out my thoughts on all this, pop over to two of my favourite blogs and read these posts which say succinctly and eloquently, some of the same stuff I’ve touched on in this post (only they’ve said it much better). Jennifer and Suzanne are both excellent writers who both intimidate me and inspire me at the same time:

Trading Places with Myself.
Wilderness.
Have You Ever...?
OMG, I Forgot to Get Married!

Thanks for reading and thanks for your time. I know we all don’t have much of it, so I appreciate yours as I try to figure out my life.

Come back again soon. ~~Or don’t. Suit Yourself.~~

---------------------------

Actually, please tell me what makes you come alive. And how do you know? Write a long comment, send me an email or write it in your own blog. Because, like the quote says, what the world needs are people who have come alive. I want to know if you have come alive and how you made it happen.

---------------------------
*in case you’re wondering, the design project I’ve been working on for a friend is on hold right now until I get a few questions answered that prevent me from moving forward.

the pity party is over. everybody can go home now.

2008-05-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your comments on my last post everybody. I woke up this morning feeling like a writer again and your comments confirmed everything I was thinking. You guys are awesome. I don't often reply to comments, so I thought I'd draw your attention to the fact that I actually did this time. If you commented on the last post, have a look. As usual, I truly appreciate all of your good advice and thoughts! Thank you.

---------------------------
But darn. I just love that Magritte painting so I hate to push it down the page with this post!

self-doubt rears its ugly head.

2008-05-09T23:21:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about my blog the other day and for some reason this image popped into my head:

It’s the work of the Belgian surrealist artist Magritte.

I was first introduced to this painting, called The Treachery of Images, in Art History class in university. I’ve always loved it. For those of you who don’t speak French, “Ceci n’est pas une pipe”, translates into English as: “This is not a pipe”.

Now you may say, “but it sure looks like a pipe!”

And I would say, “why yes! It sure does look like a pipe. But it is not a pipe. It is simply an image of a pipe. It's a fake. An impostor!”

As Magritte himself said, “…could you stuff my pipe? No, it’s just a representation, is it not? So if I had written on my picture ‘This is a pipe,’ I’d have been lying!"

For some reason the idea of this has always struck me as incredibly witty and yet exceptionally profound at the same time. Three cheers for Magritte.

But I digress. To go into a deep analysis of surrealist art would be to avoid the real reason behind this post, which is for me to announce that:

“Je ne suis pas un écrivain” or “I am not a writer”.

And just like with the Magritte painting, you might say, “but you sure look like a writer!”

And I would say, “why yes! I do look like a writer, but I am not a writer. I am simply creating the image of a writer. I'm am a fake. I am but an impostor!”

Or, at least I don’t feel like a writer. Not this week anyway.

Lately I have been afraid to write a real honest-to-goodness post because I don’t feel like a good writer. Or, not a good enough writer. And I want to be great but I’ve been seriously discouraged lately by the deluge of thoughtful and meaningful posts I’ve read on other blogs that feature perfect imagery, wonderful analogies, heartfelt emotions or beautiful, lyrical prose. These posts are all written by writers. Real, honest-to-goodness writers. Students of writing. People who actually took creative writing in school and know what they are doing. This is not me. This blog is the first thing I’ve ever written creatively in my entire life.

(Actually that’s not true. I wrote a couple of screenplays once, but yesterday in an attempt to convince myself that I was a writer I went back and read them again. And let’s just say it only discouraged me more. But I digress, again.)

I know what I want to write, but I’m afraid to write it. I want to be excellent, but I’m not willing to put in the effort to be excellent. Writers join clubs. Writers study other writers. Writers immerse themselves in the practice of writing.

I don’t even have time to get through an entire Reader’s Digest in one sitting.

And with all due respect to those of you who have complimented my writing in the past, I think I can explain it like this; when it comes to writing at best I am:

a) A good thinker.
b) A fast typist.

I’m lucky enough that my typing can almost keep up with my brain. When you read my posts, it comes out pretty much exactly the way I was thinking it, with very little editing. (Which could explain a lot. Like, why some of my posts are so flippin’ long, or why some of them don’t make any sense at all.)

But enough about that. I love writing this blog, so I’m posting this in order to purge these negative thoughts in order to carry on. I must stop being discouraged by other posts and how great they are. (And/or how they so often take the words right out of my mouth and how I’d feel like a complete tool if I just regurgitated everything they’ve already said.)

Would it make for a lame blog if each day I only wrote one post which simply said:

"Here's what I wish I'd written today."

And then followed it with a link to the ~~offending~~ amazing post?

Yes. That would make for a lame blog.

So instead of hiding behind posts full of photographs and silly blah blah blahs about painted wooden spoons and knitted hats, I really need to get back to the business of writing and stop comparing myself to all the other writers out there. With a bazillion blogs on the internet, I can’t write with the hopes of becoming the next Dooce. I’m not going to make a living off my blog. It’s just not realistic. But does the fact that I’m never going to make a living off my blog mean I shouldn’t write? Absolutely not. It doesn’t even fall within the parameters of why I write this blog anyway.

So what if I’m not a writer.

All I know is that I need to get on with telling my stories because if I don’t, who will?

Oh, and knowing what I know now, maybe I should have taken Creative Writing in university instead of Art History...

---------------------------
ps – I swear this isn’t a cry for ego strokes, I just need to express my self-doubt out loud. I need to purge so I can stop worrying about "not being a writer" and just get on with writing. Thanks.